The Adventure

January 4th, 1992. I'm on Houston going west. Car's loaded down. Heading to the Holland Tunnel. Exiting New York City. Uhh... don't know if I'll be back. Don't know... don't know what I'm going into. But... I'm going away, going on vacation, going to clean house... And it's about 4:11, kinda gray, rainy, cool, not cold... overcast day. And I'm heading for the Holland Tunnel. So, setting out on a new journey. Driving to Little Rock, Arkansas to my folks' house to pick up my Jeep, drop off all my stuff. And a very streamlined, uh, possessions. Go on a vacation and, uh, relax, then head towards Los Angeles. That's the plan. And we're on our way. Now, there seems to be some police activity up here on... Broadway. But that's not where I'm going. I'm passing Broadway, heading towards Varick Street which will take me to, I am told, the Holland Tunnel... which will take me to 278... and... 281 onto 81 and then onto 40 and then into Little Rock. And it's now 4:13. Bye.

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It was my first time driving in New York City. I'm now between SoHo and the West Village. Still on Houston, looking for Varick. It's been a good time in New York. It's been an incredible journey, um, incredible progress. And that's what I wanna continue, and uh, continue with. Progress that's... fun, good, strong... uh, real funny. And uh, get healthy, be healthy. I'm still smoking, but maybe that'll... find a reason not to, coming up when I relax there in the desert. We'll see. Anyway, onward. And exit from New York. Four years, I've been here. Been a busy, busy, busy, busy, busy four years. Lot of activity. Lot of change. I feel there's a lot of change coming up. Um, obviously, here I am changing residence after four years. Going out... the idea of moving to Los Angeles is, uh... not something that... it doesn't thrill me but it doesn't... it doesn't scare me or annoy me, I mean, I don't know, it's just something that has to be done right now. I'm just gonna do it. I don't have to even move there. I can just go out there and check it out. So basically, what I'm saying is, right now I'm free. I'm free with time, I'm free to decide and I'm free to choose. And I'm free to, uh... relax, so let's do it. There's a sign for the Holland Tunnel. And I'm heading towards it. Down Varick. Little traffic getting into it. I'm not the only one with the idea of escaping New York City. It's Saturday, January 4th, 1992. 4:18 PM. I'll be back.

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I'll say goodbye to ya, New York. I love you, I love you. You've been wonderful, you've been an adventure, an exciting time in my life and one I will never, ever forget. I hope to see you again someday... under circumstances where both of us are extremely happy.

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I just hope this is the right turnpike. Tollbooths, three-quarters of a mile. New York in the left hand window, just totally submerged in gray clouds. Like the sky is crying saying goodbye to me. I hope you're alright, New York. Wow, it looks very strange, very very strange.

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Is that what I wanna go through is Newark? Boy, it's an ugly place. New Jersey, right here, is probably the most grotesque place in the world. It'd be like living inside of the Beaumont factory, is what it would be like. Okay, here comes the tollbooth. See what happens here.

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Well, that was funny. Sorry I didn't tape that little toll. Here's 78 West. Sorry I didn't tape that little toll discussion with the man. He asked if I played guitar, and he said he wanted to get into it. What did he recommend, how fast can you play before you can really have fun? I said, "Instantly." And he said, "Would you recommend acoustic or electric?" And I said, "I've got both and I love 'em both. Get what feels good." And he said, "Right on." Yooh! Woo-hoo-hoo! Goodbye!

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I'm in Pennsylvania. It's now 5:59. Out of New York, through Jersey, entering Pennsylvania. So here I am on 81. Got a big cup of coffee. I don't know if that's the best or wisest decision I ever made, but I don't know what else to do. I mean, it's nighttime. I got a full tank of gas. I got a long way to go. And uh, might as well just see what we can do tonight. It's still sprinkling, in 'n out, comes and goes. It's weird. Every three miles, it'll stop. You think it's clear, then it starts right up again. Whole Northeast must be very wet.

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Should be, uh, leaving Pennsylvania soon, I think. It's now 7:57. Done about 186 miles, not very much. I stopped twice, very briefly. And I'm hitting, averaging about 70, 75. Trying to eat up the miles, you know. It's 8 o'clock at night and, uh, it's about the time I usually wake up. So we'll see what happens. I'm feeling kinda tired and run down. And I guess that's from, uh... the, uh... all the preparation and uh... you know. So, just gonna take it easy, but I'm gonna keep going and just relax and uh... see what kind of mileage I can get. See if I can't burn a few states tonight. Put 'em in the dust. Aw, hell, just go all the way.

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Uh, I don't even know when I changed my clock over. That's weird. Somehow gained an hour tonight. That's cool. *singing* Just keep on rolling, Billy, keep on rolling. Don't you know there is a place for you somewhere. I'm gonna find it someday. Gonna live there happily forever ever ever ever...

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Well, I just crossed the Mason-Dixon line. We are officially in southern America. Southern United States. I put my accent on and hit the road.

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Bingo! Now I'm in Virginia. I'm really, really subdued, man. Just empty, I don't know what the deal is. I feel like I'm falling asleep right now, but I'm not. I just wanna... calm down. It's incredible how tightly wound I am. Just realizing how tightly wound I've been in my whole life. It seems weird. I've tried to meditate so much. It's amazing how chaotic my mind is. And yet I... can I function occasionally, but... I don't know. I don't know. How do you let go, Lord? How do you let go? I need help with letting go. I need help. 'cause I don't know how to do it. I've tried... to let go of all these concerns and fears, just let it all go.

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1:27 AM. 525 miles so far today. Getting real tired and I think it would be best to pull over and stop and go to bed. So, the next place I see, I'm gonna check in. I'm somewhere around a place called... Marion. I have no idea what that is. Marion, Virginia or Tennessee, I have no idea. That's kind of frightening to realize that if it was 1200 miles to New York, that I'm not even halfway there yet. 1200 miles to Little Rock. But uh... whatever, I'll have more driving time tomorrow if I get to bed now. So, goodnight.

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Okay, here it is. Sunday, January 5th. It's 12:38 PM. I'm just getting up, getting out. I'm heading on the road right this second. Uh... got our work cut out for us today. I'm having incredible deja vu's... I don't know what, you know... what's going on, but... we shall see.

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Starting a lot earlier today. About four, three... four hours earlier. So I'm gonna have four hours more driving. And uh, believe I should make it in that four hours. What do you think? Yeah, yep yep, I should make it... about midnight or 1 AM tonight. Anyway, uh, it's been a good trip. *sigh* You know, I'm just turning it over right now. I don't know what else to do. I'm taking it a second at a time, a day at a time. It's a beautiful country. And yes, I have a lot of things on my mind, but... but what, I've always had these doubts. Er, not doubts, but questions. You know, like, what's gonna happen? What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Is it the right thing? But, uh, here I am doing it. I might as well enjoy it, you know? And it is beautiful, this part of Virginia. And I'm, uh, if I find me a good restaurant, some good southern cooking, you betcha I'm gonna be stopping.

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Well, heading towards Knoxville now. Feeling just really uncontrollably sad for some reason. I don't know why. It's feelings, just feelings. That's okay, though, 'cause I know it's walls that prevented awareness to [???] presence coming down.

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Oh, I'm so hungry. Well uh, you know, it's just... it's weird, man. I'm tired of living the same thing, man. I get close and then I shy away and get caught up in something again. I'd really like a breakthrough. I'd really like a breakthrough, Lord. God, if I could have a breakthrough, that would be what I would want. You know what I mean? That certainty and that faith and that trust and that assurance and the proof and the feeling of wholeness... and I guess I'm talking about healing. I guess that's what I mean is to be healed. And that is what I pray for - to be saved. And if salvation, my salvation comes from me, then I would like direction on how to achieve that. And I'd like the wherewithal to do it and the strength and the courage to do it, and the commitment, dedication, discipline, whatever it takes to achieve it, I pray for that from you. Amen.

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It's weird how subdued I am, you know? It's like I'm not excited about getting my Jeep, I'm not excited about getting home, I can't get... It's like i'm not excited about anything. I'm not excited about going to L.A., I'm not excited about doing comedy, I'm not excited about playing music. I'm just not excited. You know? And I wonder why that is. Do I not allow myself to get excited because I'm afraid of being hurt? Could that be it? You know? Uh... I just don't feel very excited. I'm very subdued and controlled and uh... I just let my emotions go crazy, I mean... and just stick there so I don't get hurt. I've been on this keel that's, uh, not very fulfilling to me, you know? I don't allow myself to get excited. Hmm.

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Hey, I'm now on Highway 40. The last leg home, yaaay! Kidding.

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Okay. Just had chicken fried steak, turnip greens, okra, corn, mashed potatoes, biscuits and an iced tea... at a place called the Cracker Barrel. It's now 3:39, I'm gonna fuel up, and that's it. It's the long haul.

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Well, guess it's about time to check in. Uh, it's been a while. I'm through Nashville, on my way to Memphis. After Memphis, Little Rock is next. Couple-a 190 miles to go to Memphis. I don't know how many from... Memphis to Little Rock. But uh... 6:42 on my clock, which was East Coast Time, so I guess it's about 5:42 now. And uh... I don't know. I'm picturing probably a midnight arrival in Little Rock. Midnight or 1. And I will be done with this little part of the journey. The adventure. The adventure! Still having these incredibly strange deja vu's, and I don't know what it all is attributed to. Uh... they haven't coalesced into one giant deja vu. I just keep getting little... glimmers and hints and images and feelings. Anyway, uh, it's a lot of driving. I'm at 879 miles now. Uh... 190... uh, actually I'm at 880 miles, so 190 to Memphis, that's gonna be nine... thousand seventy. So I'd say probably another... oh, 130, 140 miles to Little Rock, maybe more. Anyway, there ain't no stopping now. Uh... you know, there's a lot going on, you know. This thing, oh... things that I'd like to see resolved in my life. For one, would be my own feeling of fatigue and cloudiness. I'd like to have the feeling of strength and direction and joy and vibrancy come up again. And who knows what all else is gonna happen? I'm turning it over, man. I'm just following my heart, moment by moment. Uh... that's all you can do, I guess. Without trying to live a... I don't know. It's... something happened. You know, I just- I was on a treadmill there. I was on a treadmill. And maybe that's what life is, but I don't think so. I think it should... I think it's a... Life's supposed to be more mira- supposed to be miraculous. And my life has not been miraculous for a long time. I love performing and creating... and in any way at all. I love it. It's fun. Gives me a real rush. But as far as fulfillment and peace and direction and understanding and salva- and safety and salvation and... and just feeling serene... and healthy and clear and alive and joyous and happy. You know? That's what I want and I don't know how to get it. So I gotta start from square one. And that is I... I took a really dramatic move I did just now, and just leaving New York, cleaning house... And I'm on an adventure. And Lord, I hope you're there. And I hope you hear this and I hope that you understand what it is I'm looking for and I hope I can get it. A new happiness. Amen.

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I felt, I guess what I'm feeling is another stalemate in, uh... in my career. 'cause there's nothing else that's gonna happen... unless I get regular exposure on national television. And the right kind of exposure. But definitely, unless I get some regular exposure, nothing's gonna happen. And uh, I'm just so tired that it's all I can do to make it from gig to gig and schlep around the country with my luggage on my back. You know, and... I guess what I need to do is rest and figure out what I wanna do. Do I wanna do Carson sets or Letterman sets and write bits for those particular shows... and focus on that or, uh, what. But there's gotta be a change in my lifestyle. 'cause as it is, I'm just... my eyes are just tired. I'm rolling back in my head. I have not very many funny thoughts, and I don't feel a lot of excitement right now. And that ain't gonna cut it, you know? That ain't gonna cut it. *sigh* There's gotta be a change. There's gotta be a change. My salvation comes from me. There's gotta be a change. So that's basically it. I mean, I just- I can't think straight right now, you know? I can't think straight. I only know that if I continue the way I was, I would be spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally dead in a very short time. And I think it was only the nick of time... perfect timing that I'm doing what I'm doing right now. Perfect timing. 'cause it was good. I mean, I'm not begrudging all this great success. I mean, not that it, you know- it was huge, but there- it was good. It was the best I've ever had. It was the best I've had so far. Uh... regular money coming in. Uh... lot of, uh, lot of professional, professional coups. You know, getting Montreal, the one man show, getting the show filmed, it being on... Channel 4 in London and the U.K. on BBC, uh, Saturday night or Friday night... Friday night. Uh... the album, Marblehead Johnson happened this year. The entire thing happened this year. The album's coming out hopefully this month... with the song on it. That might open up some brand new doors, who knows? Uh... a few Letterman's, I think, couple Letterman's. The Edinburgh festival, going to Scotland, going to Manchester, going to London... you know. It was a busy, busy year. I just- somewhere down that line, I forgot what I was doing, and why I was doing it. I just forgot that it's supposed to be fun. And I know it's gonna be hard work. I know it's gonna be a lot of work. And hard- it's gonna be a lot of activity when it- whenever it hits. And hopefully I'm learning how to live a little more balanced life. I know I am, it doesn't seem that way. But the fact that I'm not drinking or drugging is, you know, tantamount to, uh, a massive change. And it's only been... three years, as of this coming January 27th. That's not a lot of time, and... forget the fact that before that, I was totally insane, before I even drank or did drugs. I was a lunatic. So I've been getting a feel of waking it up right now, and it just scares me that I'm waking up and yet I'm so tired. And it scares me that if I abuse myself... so much that... I'm gonna wake up old. Or wake up when it's too late. And that scares me, God. Wake up too late. Anyway, I just feel like there's a lot I wanna do and a lot I wanna be a part of and I wanna feel and uh... And uh... I guess laughter's a big part of it. Laughter, and I guess music's a big part of it. Music's a part of it. And... whatever, whatever, whatever. I'm not sit here and list the, uh, demands... You know, I'm just gonna... pray that I can wake up and I can see truly.

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Okay, we're at 996 miles. Almost a thousand miles. I'll mark the occasion by tuning back into you. Until then, au revoir.

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999.8 miles. 999.9 miles. 1,000 miles, 1,000 miles. 1,000 miles, I've come so far. 1,000 miles, hmm. *scats melody* Actually going *sniffs* through Memphis. Boy, it stinks here. Passing Danny Thomas Boulevard. Hmm. Uh, going through Memphis. And uh... still haven't seen a mileage marker on Little Rock. *scats melody*

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Okay, we're on the- over the Mississippi River. Just passed into Arkansas. Uh... it's a huge bridge. Very cool. We are in Arkansas right... now. What a haul, kiddy-poos, what a haul. Little Rock, 133 miles. That's about two hours. Record time, I believe, record time.

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Wise men say
Only fools, only fools rushing
But I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river, flow on deep unto the sea
Like a river flows deep into me
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
'cause I can't help falling in love with you

43 miles to Little Rock. That'll take me probably half an hour. I'm going about... 70 miles an hour. Anyway, I don't know. My other latest thought is "what am I gonna do"? Do I really wanna move to Los Angeles? Do I really wanna get out there and go meet all these people I don't... particularly like or agree with or believe in... what they're doing? And here I am... homeless, right now. Essentially. I mean, why can't I... If I could just settle somewhere and just have a base that was mine. But... Arkansas is very... woodsy. Not a lot of lights, not a lot of buildings, not a lot of nothing. Can see there's trees... everywhere. Uh, guess I'll tune out for now. Making good time. It's 11:10... Sunday, January 5th, 1992.

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11:25. Pulling a... just hauling across the dark plains. That's all I'm doing. That's all it looks like to me. Some lights spread out, way, way out. Don't know what this is. Oh, this is Arkansas. Anyway, there's a lot of stuff to clear up, man. And I don't know... The reason I took this trip to begin with was to do something for me. To be away from it, so I could... rejuvenate. So let's keep that in mind. That I'm here to rejuvenate... and um, I'm here following what was my- my avo- my heart told me to- to do. Okay? Let's keep that in mind. Let's rejuvenate.

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Ah, looks like we're here. Little Rock, Arkansas. Just pulling in on 40 West. Looking for 430 South. Which'll take me to Rodney Parham Road. Which will take me to Woodberry. And... home. Thank you, Lord, for a great trip. Fast, effortless, trouble-free... and successful.