A Killer Idea

Hey, man.
Killer idea.
You guys like going to the movies?

[scattered audience members]: Yeah.

Do you-- you do? Three of you do?
I love the fuckin' movies. Love 'em.
Now, I'm watching Terminator 2. Did y'all see that movie?

[Audience]: Yeah.

Well, I'm watching and I'm thinkin' to myself, "You know what? There's no way they're ever gonna be able to top these stunts in a movie again. You cannot top this shit!"
Unless...
They start using terminally ill people as stuntmen in pictures.

[nervous laughter from audience]

Well, hear me out!
'Cause I know to some of you, this may sound a little cruel...
"Aw, Bill. Terminally ill stuntpeople? That's cruel!"
You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room surrounded by strangers.
Fuck that!
Put 'em in the movies!

What? You want your grandmother dying like a little bird in a hospital room? Her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins?
Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris?

"Hey, how come you've dressed my grandmother up as a mugger?"
"Shut up and get off the set. Action!"
"Push her towards Chuck!"
[a long silence, then the sound of a violent impact]
[beat]
"Wow, he kicked her head right off her body. Did you see that?
Did you see my Grammy?
She's out of her misery, you've seen the greatest film of all time!"

[uncomfortable noises and laughter from audience]

I'm still feeling some resistance to this, man, what's up?
"Ohhh, ohhh," you and your fake fuckin' sympathy!
Okay, how about these guys who are bein' executed?
Don't do that. Poison. Electrocute. How cruel!
And unimaginative!
Put 'em in the movies!

"Jeffrey Dahmer, for your crimes against humanity of which you have been found guilty... I sentence you... to Wes Craven's next picture!"
"Aaaaah! Aaaaaaah!"

Okay, not one of my more popular theories.
But just do me a big favor. Don't ever say you love film as much as I.
I think we've found your limit.