Flying Saucer Tour

I've been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour, which means, like flying saucers, I've been appearing in small Southern towns in front of handfuls of hillbillies lately and, uh... I've been doubting my own existence.

I've noticed a certain anti-intellectualism in this country, have you noticed that? Ever since around 1980, coincidentally enough.
Last week, I was in Nashville, Tennessee. After the show, I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, but I was hungry.
And I'm sitting there and I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? I'm alone, I don't know anybody, I'm eating and I'm reading a book. Fine, right?
Waitress comes over to me, [gum chewing noises] "What'chu readin' for?"
I said, "Wow, I've never been asked that! Got dangit, you stumped me! Not what am I READING but what am I reading FOR?
I guess I read for a lot of reasons, but one of the main ones is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress! Yeah, that'd have to be pretty high up on the list."
Then this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes, "Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader."
Well, what the fuck's going on here?
It's like I walked into a Klan rally wearing a Boy George costume or something, you know?
This is a book! I read! Am I stepping out of some intellectual closet or something here? There, I said it! I feel better.

I'm telling you, man. Tennessee.
You know, in many troubled parts of our world, people are yelling, "Revolution, revolution"? In Tennessee, they're yelling, "Evolution!"
"We want our thumbs!"
The thing is, they see people with thumbs on TV all day. Boy, that's gotta drive 'em hog wild, eh?
[monkey hooting noises]
It's a thumb, goddammit. I can't say enough about the thumb.

I'm telling you, man, there's some serious pockets of humanity out there. Go to some of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere, order coffee? Guy behind the counter goes, "You want the 32-ounce or the large?"
"Ah shit, how big is that large?"
"You gon' wanna pull yer car around back. I'mma start the pump."
Boy, that sounds like a lot of coffee, man. I don't know if I wanna be awake that long in Tennessee, you know?

They're nice people, they are. What would you describe 'em as? Rural?
Backwoods?
Hicks?
After the show, one of 'em came up to me, real excited. "Man, you're great! You're crackin' me up! I was about to spit!"
"Sorry!"
He said, "No, I loved it! I'd like you to meet my wife and sister!" And there was one girl standin' there.
Not a thumb between 'em.