Pussywhipped Satan

No, but you know . . . it’s hard to have a relationship in this business, man. You’re always travelling, keeping weird hours, you know. It’s gonna take a very special woman, you know . . . or a bunch of average ones. Which, I mean I’m saying that either way...

But anyway, I’m reading this article in the paper a few years ago about Ted Bundy. Now, this is absolute— listen, there’s still cheering for him: ‘Whoo!’ I think you’re thinkin’ of a different Ted Bundy here... not the shoe salesman on the TV show, this is... I don’t know what the other connection. Well, this... the guy I’m talkin’ about used a shoehorn once, but I won’t tell you what for, because... But anyway, Ted Bundy the mass murderer’s who I’m referring to. If you’re gonna pick a hero, you know, do your research. Now... no, but anyway, this is absolutely true. If anyone can verify this it’ll help, ‘cause it’s gonna sound absolutely far-fetched, but I read an article in the paper. Ted Bundy’s on trial in Florida, on trial – twenty-four women the guy killed, I don’t know. Twenty-four women – he’s on trial. The paper says the courtroom is filled with women... trying to meet him... and give him LOVE LETTERS AND WEDDING FUCKIN’ proposals. Does anyone remember reading this fuckin’ article? (cheers and claps) That’s enough to continue the bit. Now... if no one had applauded, I’d still be doin’ it. How? We don’t know. You have to rationalise on your feet. All I know is I got a script and I’m headin’ towards the ending. I will not be stopped. Courtroom filled with women trying to meet Ted Bundy, give him love letters and wedding proposals – this is what the article says. And I’m sorry to say the first thing I thought when I read that was, ‘And I’m not gettin’ laid.’ What am I doing wrong, you know? A natural question. So I read another article in the paper, ah... a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Why would anyone sue the state of Wisconsin? Well, here’s why. She married a fella... on Death Row. Why is he on Death Row? He killed eight women. She married him (laughs) there’s more... he has Aids – let’s up the ante of the story. You wanna? Who wants to still play with my story now? ‘Cause I’m upping the ante – he is on Death Row for killing eight women, he has Aids, she married him, and is suing the state for the right... of conjugal visits! Now, I’m sorry to say the first thing that crossed my mind when I read that was... ‘And I’m not gettin’ laid.’ Hey. What exactly are you ladies lookin’ for here? These guys must’ve been heavy on the sense of humour thing you seem to love so much in your little ladies polls. ‘Ted Bundy, that old whip. He’s hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. Hoh, what a sense of humour he had. Ah. I overlooked the mass murder thing ‘cause he kept me in stitches.’ But you know, it’s just depressing, you know what I mean? You know, Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks, Achy Breaky fuckin’ dick this guy is, Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals, you know – we’re fucked up here, man. I guarantee you Satan’s gonna have no problems on this planet, ‘cause all the women are gonna go:

‘What a cute butt!’
‘He’s Satan.’
‘You don’t know him like I do.’
‘He’s the Prince of Darkness.’
‘I can change him.’

And I bet that’s true. I wouldn’t put Satan– give Satan a snowball’s chance in hell against a woman’s ego, man. He’d rule the earth for a day, a week later we’d see Satan out cuttin’ the lawn. (makes lawn-mower noise)

‘Hey aren’t you Satan?’
‘Shut up.’
‘Whoa, Mr Prince of Darkness. You forgot to edge–’
‘Shut up!’ (lawnmower noise)

See him at the supermarket buying tampons:

‘Tampons, aisle 3. Hey, aren’t you Satan?’
‘Shut up!’
‘You’re pussywhipped! You’re not Prince of Darkness, you’re Pussywhipped of Darkness!’
‘Quit it, I’m Satan.’
‘Ah, bullshit! You dropped your tampons, Satan.’