Smoking

So... smokers, thank you.
Thank you, guys. Just smoke away, huh?
Don't worry about us. [laughs] Okay.
How many smokers do we have here tonight? Smokers?
[light applause]
[laughs] Oh, boy. Listen to that energy they can pump out at will, eh?
[heavy coughing]
Thank you, guys. That was a valiant effort on your parts.

Listen to this, how many non-smokers do we have here tonight? Non-smokers?
[applause]
You hear that? Bunch of whinin' little maggots, aren't they? Aren't they?
Obnoxious, self-righteous slugs. I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of them.
The worst kind of non-smoker is the one where you're smoking and they just walk up to you.
[weak, insistent fake coughing]
I always say, "Shoot, you're lucky you don't smoke!
That's a hell of a cough, dude! I smoke all day and don't cough like that! Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm.
Maybe your dad was jackin' off and your mom sat on it at the last second."
Did I overreact? I didn't, did I?

[Audience member:] No.

I think that's kind of cruel, I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me. Jesus! Do you go up to crippled people dancing too, you fucks?
"Well hey, Mr. Wheelchair, what's yer problem?
Come on, Ironside, race ya!"
You fuckin' sadist!
I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die. Deal?
Thank you, America!

People say, "Well, it's not that, i-i-i-i-it's the secondary smoke. It's not just the smoke that you smoke, but the smoke that comes out of you. That's called secondary smoke. And that's not good smoke, just 'cause it came out of you."
Shut the fuck up right now. God dammit, if I don't smoke, there's gonna be secondary bullets coming your way. Do you understand this? I'm fuckin' tense! Alright? Thank you!
I've been on a fuckin' Flying Saucer Tour for three months! Okay? Thank you! Hope you don't mind if I just enjoy my cig!

I love it when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Isn't that great? Yeah!
These people are standing ankle-deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy, you know? Apparently, my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here.
"Oh, this is bothering you! Oh! I'm sorry! Let me go over here to this pile of bum dung and put this out!
There we go. Restore New York to that pristine state we know it exists in, if it weren't for my godawful cigarette!"

Jesus, how much do you smoke a day, dude?

[Audience Member:] A pack and a half.

Pack and a half? You little puss.
Get a little... why don't you just put a dress on it and swish around for us?
[singing] "Pack and a half... I smoke a pack and a half..."
Makes me ill. I go through two lighters a day, dude.
And I'm starting to feel it.
Ugh! Shit. But I do have this big fear, right? Doing smoking jokes in my act. Showing up five years from now, going [mimics a voice-box] "GOOD EVENING EVERYBODY."
"REMEMBER ME?"
"Y'ALL WERE RIGHT, SMOKING'S BAD."

Eeeeeeewwww! You ever seen that? Does that...?
Let me tell you something, if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck... I'd think about quitting. I would.
And that's just me! You know, see, once again, I'm not being stringent with a rule of thumb.

See, what's cool is that every pack has a different Surgeon General's warning, isn't that great?
Mine say, "Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth."
Fuck it! [laughs]
Found my brand!
Just don't get the ones that say "lung cancer"! You know, shop around, man!
"Yeah, get me a carton of Low Birth Weights."
[?]
"Cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide." Well, so does my car. And it still fuckin' runs, so...

Oh, shit. See, I smoke. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. You know? Can I smoke? Can I? Like a fuckin' fiend, I can.