Smoking in Heaven

But I have this hope... this hope. It's a hope, really. It's a theory, it's a dream, it's a wish, it's a prayer, it's a hope. But if that scenario is at all true, when you die and you go to heaven, if Saint Peter is actually at the gate and he meets you... I hope and believe the first thing he's gonna ask is, "Got a light?" "You mean y'all smoke here?" "Yeah, that's why it's heaven! These aren't clouds. This is cigarette smoke, buddy! Hell is non-smoking. You wanna look down at them for a minute?" "Sure." "I can't believe what they do to their bodies. It smells like an ashtray! I don't wanna smell their secondary smoke while I'm trying to eat! Why would anyone do that to their bodies?" "Ah, hellish!" "No shit! Light up and come on in!"

"Hendrix is on harp tonight." "My man, Jimi!" *mimics Hendrix' "Star Spangled Banner"* "Yeah!" *mimics Hendrix' "Star Spangled Banner"* Man, he's a fucking alien, no doubt about it, man. UFO dropped him off, said, "Jimi, show us how it's done. We'll pick you up in 28 years, alright?" He went, *mimicking Jimi Hendrix* "Alright!" He fucking- that guy played his cock. They strung his cock with guitar strings and that's what he played. *mimics Hendrix' "Star Spangled Banner"* Played it with his teeth. Does that make him gay? You know... *mimicking Jimi Hendrix* "Yeah, hey, alright!" Hendrix language, I don't even know... It encompasses everything. *mimicking Jimi Hendrix* "Hey yeah!" Tripping his FUCKING ass off! Playing the guitar like no one has ever played it since. Fuck Eddie Van Halen. Fuck Steve Vai. Fuck these phony soulless piece of shits. Jimi Hendrix played his cock. *mimicking Jimi Hendrix* "Alright, baby! Yeah! Playing my cock!" I don't think that makes him gay.

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that. Here's another guy I love: Keith, man. Keith went over the edge years ago, and I thought, "Oh, he's fucked, man. Keith went over the edge." And then everyone looked down over the edge, and there's a fucking ledge and he landed on it! *mimicking Keith Richards* "Ay, it's a ledge beyond the edge. What a lucky fucking guy I am! Throw down me guitar, I've got a riff." There's a ledge beyond the edge. Who knew? Keith found it. What an explorer! What a fucking bold man! *mimicking Keith Richards* "I'm over the fucking edge. Good night everybody." *whoosh* *thunk* God damn it, there's a ledge over there! That lucky son-of-a-bitch.

*mimicking Jimi Hendrix* "Alright! Yeah! Alright, baby!" What fucking language was Hendrix speaking anyway? Just the all-encompassing positive. *mimicking Jimi Hendrix* "Yeah!" "Bill, you're talking about musicians who died over 20 years ago. You ever thought about updating your fucking show?" Beethoven was wacky. Now I...