Pro Life

What do you say we, uh, lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big healthy gut-laugh.

(Laughs)

Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. You ever see it, it's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent! They are totally divided on abortion! It's unbelievable! Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house; "they're annoying, they're idiots, they're evil, they're fucks!" Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil annoying idiot fucks?

I beseech you, but that's me, Libra Rising, the scales! And, strangely enough, Shiva, The Destroyer (laughs). Who would have thunk it?

"We're pro-life." "Ooh, you look it! You look like you're filled with life." All the little kids: "Please don't adopt me, please don't adopt me, please don't adopt me!" "We're your new Christian pro-life parents!" "Oh, where's the tower, where's the gun? Where's the tower, where's the gun? I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid (gun noises). Does my penis make me a bad boy? That's what they told me (gun noises)!"

Please, give me the Satan-worshipping family down the block. The ones who have the good albums. Suddenly I'm adopted by the Flanders, you know? "Hi Bill, isn't it another beautiful God-created morning?" (weird noise).

"We're pro-life." It's like, well what does that make me? You know what I mean? You're so pro-life! You're so pro-life, do me a fucking favor. Don't block med clinics, okay? Lock arms, and block cemeteries. Let's see how fucking committed you are to this premise. "She can't come in." "She's ninety-six, she was hit by a bus!" "There's options!" "What, do we got to have her stuffed? What are you talking about, she's dead!" "We're pro-life, get her out of that casket! Get her out! She's not going, we're pro-life people. There'll be no death on this planet."

Pro-life... and I always say, see, my theory, here's my actual theory beyond, uh, the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory, though: if you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it to get it out of a horrible situation, okay? People say, "well why don't you do that?" And I say because I hate fucking kids and couldn't care less. Couldn't give a fuck. Don't care at all about abortion. It's your choice. Case closed, the end, bottom line; and by the way, a three-month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregate of cells. You're not a human until you're in my phonebook (laughs).

There, my hat is now in the political ring.