Elvis

(mimicking Elvis Presley) I'll huh-huh have a blue Christmas without you...I'll have a blue Christmas without you...
Celebrate... Christmas tree... celebrate... I'll have a blue, I'll have a blue, A blue, blue, blue Christmas, Oh yeah..." Thank ya very much. The man who brings me my scarves and my water, Mr. Charlie Hodge, give him a hand! Charlie Hodge! Man who brings me my scarves and my water! Charlie Hodge! Charlie, come on out and take a bow, man! Charlie Hodge, ladies and gentlemen. Man who brings me my scarves and my water.

He's hilari- He's saved my life, too. Many a night I would go in, you know, some little small town, go into some (???) coma on the bathroom floor and... be unable to get up. I'd be like a doodly-bug on his back. And I thought, you know, I'd go into a coma, right? And I'd come to and... who'd be straddling my chest wearing a pair of virginal white cotton panties pressed against his hairy belly and two popsicles rubbing against my temple to keep my heart pumping? Charlie Hodge! Charlie Hodge, scarves, water, heart-pumping, white-panty-wearing, popsicle-stick-it-in-my-ear. Charlie, you're a beautiful man. Watch this, this'll kill ya. He'll do anything. Charlie, come out here with a popsicle stuck in your butt! Come on out! Is he great or what? Charlie Hodge, ladies and gentlemen! "I'll have a, have a, have a blue Christmas without you..." (normal voice) Thank you very much! (mimicking Elvis) See ya round! Thank you! Charlie Hodge, ladies and gentlemen, right here! Charlie Hodge, dance like a monkey, Charlie!

Beautiful man, Charlie Hodge. Been together for 30 years now. And uh, you know, a lot of people know the story that early on in my career, I used to have two people. One guy who brought me scarves and another who brought me water. And one day, I was sitting around with Charlie at the Holiday Inn in Iowa, and uh, Charlie said he just had the most incredible idea. And I said, "Charlie, spit it out." And uh, uh, he said... I said, "Charlie, I'm right here in the dark, yes?" He said, "E, you know you got two fellas, one bringing your scarves, the other water when you a sweaty brow and your throat gets parched?" And I said, "Yeah, Charlie, I'm familiar with the routine." He said, "E, What if, just what if- open your mind real wide, E, and just say what if... one fella was to bring ya both scarves and water?" I said, "Charlie, you draw up some fucking blueprints and let's put this plan into work." From that day on, the man who brought me my scarves and my water was Mr. Charlie Hodge, ladies and gentlemen! Give it up! Charlie Hodge! For that, Charlie, I gave, uh, gave him a trailer out back of Graceland where he'll live the rest of his life in perpuity and ananuity to raise his little, uh, waterhead hillbilly fucks that he's raised through a series of, uh, Waffle House waitresses, two-teeth fucking bitches he picks up in every town. Charlie, come on out and take a bow, Charlie! By the way, Charlie, my brow's sweaty and my throat's parched. Bring me- go ahead and bring me scarves and water while you're there, Charlie. Charlie Hodge is a great man. A beautiful man. Scarves and water. He's indispensable on the tour. *unintelligible*

*whale songs*

(From "Goodbye You Lizard Scum")
"There is a God. He loves us all so much."