Children On Airplanes

I'll tell you- I'll tell you a story now. This is- I'm kinda... hanging here by nothing. I'm kinda tired. I flew in, uh, yesterday. Four hour flight. Now, dig this. They don't allow smoking on airplanes, right? But they allow children. Okay? Now... a little fairness is all I'm asking for. Some woman on the plane, "Well, smoking bothers me." "Well, guess what. Come here and let's chat about Junior for a little while. I think I could fill your fucking ear with some hisses, baby."

Anyway, I luck out on this flight, right? Every seat next to me is empty. Cool, I'm going to sleep. No shame. Every armrest goes up. Pillows, blankets on the head, fuck it. I'm outta here, man. Which I love doing 'cause it really bugs the business guys sitting around. I actually had a guy say to me, "Hey, is that allowed?" "No, I bought every seat. Shut up! I love taking $6,000 naps, you idiot. Go back to your Macintosh, monkey boy. Just 'cause you're in the sky don't mean you can't work for the man. Hey, I think I hear your jacket wrinkling in the overhead compartment."

So I'm asleep on this flight. Blessedly, finally asleep, right? And I feel this tapping on my head. This non-stop, relentless... tapping on my head. And I look out of my little... cave of pillows, and there's this little kid. Loose! Someone set it loose! And out of all the things on an airplane that might attract the attention of a little toddler, the top of my head beat out all the fucking competition. Fuck Barney the Dinosaur! Put the top of my head on TV and your little spawn'll sit saucer-eyed for hours tapping the fucking screen. I don't know what it is about the top of my fucking head. Little kids go fucking nuts over it

And I look across the aisle at the mom. She's, of course, grinning like an idiot. You know? Guy next to the mom, "They're so cute when they're that small. Ha ha ha..." Isn't that amazing though? Letting your kid run loose like that on an airplane? And then, the kid ran over to the emergency exit... and started flipping the handle to the door. And the guy next to the mom started to get up, and I went, "*whispers* Wait a minute... We're about to learn an important lesson." *boom* *whoosh* "Boy, you're right. The smaller he gets, the cuter he is." Oh, God. "Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here, can we smoke now?"

True story. Semi-true story. Uh, often sometimes for form, I'll use poetic license in order to, uh, avoid day work. *laughs*