Artistic Roll Call

I'm kinda bummed because I'm missing right now, even as we speak, my favorite cultural train wreck, "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno". I'm like a rubbernecker, man. Every night, it's the crash of fucking metal when that show starts. Me and my friends have a little office pool wondering exactly which episode and which guest is gonna be on the night Jay finally puts a 9mm in his mouth... and blows his Doritos-shilling head off his fucking body. I think it's gonna be Joey Lawrence from the show 'Blossom'. Uh... Other of my friends beg to differ and think Patrick Duffy a more likely culprit.

*mimicking Jay Leno* "So, hi everyone! Welcome to the show! Tonight, we have Joey Lawrence. Hi Joey! How are ya? It's good to see you again. Boy it was always my comedic dream... to be 44 years old and interviewing a little Tony Danza wannabe... every three months. Boy, I'm fully- full- I'm fulfilled of the human spiritually. So... so... so anyway, Joey, you're 16 now? You're 16 years old?"

*mimicking Joey Lawrence* "Yeah."

*mimicking Jay Leno* "That's great, you're 16. You got a license? You driving? You driving?"

*mimicking Joey Lawrence* "Yeah."

*mimicking Jay Leno* "That's great, you're 16, got a license. Got a car? You got a car?"

*mimicking Joey Lawrence* "Yeah."

*mimicking Jay Leno* "You got a girlfriend, hmm? You dating somebody? Anybody special?"

*mimicking Joey Lawrence* "Yeah. No. Well, she thinks so. I don't. *laughs*"

*mimicking Jay Leno* "Good God, what have I done with my life!?" *cocks gun* *boom*

His brains splew out, forming an NBC peacock on the wall behind him. *thbpt* 'cause he's a company man to the bitter fucking end.

It all started when he did the Doritos commercial. Here's the deal, folks: You do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call - forever. End of story. Okay? You're another corporate fucking shill. You're another whore at the capitalist gangbang. And if you do a commercial, there's a price on your head. Everything you say is suspect and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink. *gags* Selling Doritos on fucking TV, what a fucking whore. And not even when he needed the money either. You know, if you're a young actor... Okay, I'll look the other way. But.. guy, you know, makes three million a year. He decides to hawk Doritos to make more money. You don't got enough money, you fucking whore? You gotta sell snacks to fucking bovine America now?

*mimicking Jay Leno* "Hi everyone! I'm Jay Leno! Anyone remember when I was- when I was funny? Uh... Yeah, eat Doritos! They're good! *crunch* *crunch* *crunch*"

Satan fucking him in the ass on national TV. *demonic thrusting sounds*

*mimicking Jay Leno* "They're good and crispy. Here, Satan! Try the nacho-flavored ones!"

*crunch* *crunch* *mimicking Satan* "Cool and flavorful!" *demonic thrusting sounds*

*mimicking Jay Leno* "Tonight on the show, we have Joey Lawrence and Patrick Duffy!"

Yes! Tonight's the night! Fuck, if that was his line, I hope he'd use an Uzi in his mouth. *mimicking an Uzi* Just chewing fucking lead. *mimicking an Uzi*

*mimicking Jay Leno* "What have I done with my fucking life!?" *mimicking an Uzi* "I used to be funny!" *mimicking an Uzi*

I hope he changes clips! *click* *mimicking an Uzi* He's a fucking blood sprinkler! *squirt* *squirt* *squirt* *mimicking an Uzi*

The next night: *hums theme song* "Ed, Ed, uh... did you enjoy your vacation?" "You are correct, sir!" "Doc, that's a really nice red coat. Is that... the color of it or is that Jay's brains? *laughs*

"He's just jealous 'cause he's never been on the show." You're so right.