Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Recap Rap

[Intro]
Yo, this is Recap Raps
It's finally time to wrap up this roller coaster of a trilogy
With Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
And when I say roller coaster, I mean that literally
This thing moves
Here we go

[Verse 1]
That Force still awake?
Let's put that baby to bed
There's been so much whining and crying
It's actually awakened the dead

'Cause somehow a fall down a bottomless pit
Is really a move that goes lateral
Strap yourselves in 'cause the pathway we're takin'
Is gonna feel slightly "unnatural"

Surprise! As I'm sure you guessed
This whole time it was Palpatine
Pulling every string, doing every evil thing
From a huge dialysis machine

With the aid of a Fortnite campaign
Kylo found him, now he's back on his rampage
Empire sources and Dark Knights of Ren
Put Grumpty Dumpty together again

Rey's in training with a real life ghost - R.I.P
Finn and Poe keep being best bros - noice!
Now they're a classic trio like the Stooges
Rose sidelined 'cause of internet douches

Pretty soon fam's all on board
Artifacts in maps, lucky Luke had stored
Climb up on the Falcon, all aboard
'Cept folks that the budget can't afford

First layover on this trip recalls
What Burning Man's like when you're trippin' balls
Kylo Forcetime's, can't ignore the call
Saved by rando Lando, 'stache and all

Speeder chase, quicksand, find the tiny sword and
Snake! Rey's got the magic Neosporin
Chewy got caught, Rey and Kylo force tension
Accidental lightning, death in suspension

[Interim]
Act One check, mark it down in the books
But this movie don't break, so why should we?
Next verse go! No time for hooks!

[Verse 2]
So let's keep rollin' 'cause we gotta keep pace
To a planet that's like Stalingrad in space
Where Feliciteer, Poe's blast from the past
Still wears mascara beneath her mask

3PO's deets that they need to be getting
Need him restored back to factory settings
Weirdly somber, as he bids adieu
Then he's hacked by a Muppet with a Fu Manchu

[Heey!]

And Chewie's alive
Then why'd they insist on crushing my soul??
Jedi Mind Trickin', Failed rescue mission
Near execution, but Hux is a mole!
Twist!
...Til he gets blasted
Nearly four minutes that plot point lasted

Kylo's all "Rey, you're in Palpatine's bloodline"
Whaaaaaat?
"We should, like, hang out sometime"

Endor Moon with oceans rising
And no cute critters for merchandising
Just some horse-hogs ridden by ex-Troops
Giving poor Finn somebody to talk to

Rey rides giants and easily hangs
Finds out she could pull off fangs
Fights herself, what could it mean?
No time for that, Kylo's on the scene

Duel on fallen symbols, no one else can be involved
So Leia does that Jedi thing, Distracts her son, dissolves

Rey gives Kylo more shredded abs
Then heals him 'cause she feels bad
Then Kylo stands all wet and sad
Has emotional catch with his scruffy dad

[Interim]
No!
No breaks!
If we miss anything, we'll just put it in a booklet
It worked for Disney

[Verse 3]
On Ahch-To, Rey straight up ignites
His pretty little souped up TIE-fightin' ride
Chucks in the saber, Ghost Luke with the hot hand
Happy Birthday, your gift's in a rock and

It was Leia's way back in the day
During her Uncanny Valley phase
It's creepy and weird, not digital magic
Anyway, Luke loans the keys to the classic

Fleet unleashed, got a planet-killer each
Kijimi Alderaans, what an overkill
R2 brings 3PO online
After only 20 minutes of screentime

Conehead droid is the key to Rey's sad past
Merry take the heat for the Holdo backlash
Now the plan is a cavalry
And group WhatsApp-ing the Galaxy

A stadium filled
Watching a senior get publicly milked
Cultists roar, chanting like MAGA
This is why people hate visiting Pop-Pop

Kylo's new approach:
Looking like an off-duty wellness coach
Rey hears Sith pitches, but she ain't frazzled
No look pass for some razzle dazzle

Boomer and millennials equally gifted
Like a white T he don't have, Ben's pitted
Lightning storm, voices from dead guys
"I am all the Sith" and "I am all the Jedi"

I think that did it
Ben does the healy thing, "Now live, kid"
Mad respect on both sides of the Force
Embodied by a big ole smooch of course!

Then he dies and it's sad as hell
That other plan seemed to work out as well

So once again, the Galaxy's saved
And no main characters are getting laid

Rey and BB8 roll up on Tatooine
In spite of all the fighting, feels untouched and pristine
A fresh new face of the future
"Who are you?" asks the stranger
"Rey Skywalker"
Go show us your papers!

Now what did we learn from this new batch of sequels?
Not too much, but get Disney+ and watch it forever, sheeple!