Game of Thrones Recap Rap

Welcome to Winterfell
Royal fam on vacation
Jaime/Cersei caught banging by Bran
Defenestration
Robert has an offer, Ned accepts the call
Ned and daughters to the Capital
Jon to the Wall

Dany has a douche bro
Marries her to Drogo
Almost a no-go
Ride him like a pogo
Rolling with Dothraki
Hot queen dealing cold blows
Call her Khaleesi
Now here's your crown of gold, bro

Tyrion travels and gets it on
Romances Shae, bromances Bronn
Starks vs. Lannisters, Robb gets strategic
Jaime is defeated, Ned learns a dirty secret
Robert dies, Joffrey's King
Ned wants out of that scene
His daughter's in the audience
He gets Sean Beaned
Drogo dies too
Dany struts into his pyre
And emerges with her dragons
Unaffected by the fire

The North remembers
Catelyn tries to grow the Stark Brand
Offers an alliance with King Renly and Queen 'Hot damn!'
Also, Melisandre, what a fine magic lady
She gets it on with Stannis to produce a stabbing smoke baby
Flee to Robb, only so that later Catelyn can release Jaime
To make Team Oathslayer

Arya haircut
Meets a faceless badass
Sansa psychologically abused by King Asshat
Theon in the North proves he's already dickless
Jon leaves the Wall on a quest to get his dick wet
Stannis vs. Lannisters
Blackwater
Greenfire
Asshat pees himself
Tyrion inspires

Meanwhile, Dany double-crossed in Quarth
"Where are my dragons?" Roar
There they are
So many stories
Man I'll die before I'm through this
But it's like they say
Valar Morghulis

Oh yeah
Beyond the Wall
White walkers roam
They should focus on that
Forget the throne

Yeah, but they won't
Not as long as Asshat's on it, crossbowing hookers?
Dear God, can I be honest?
He's the biggest f**king asshole
I've ever f**king seen
I PUNCH MY TV
EVERY TIME HE COMES ON SCREEN
(I'm chill, I'm chill)

Team Oathslayer getting closer on the surface
But, Jaime misses Cersei
And now he can't jerk it
Bran and Hodor join forces when it starts to drizzle
As for Theon Dickless
Ramsay makes it official
Jon and Ygritte cave action
Wildling on Crow
Says he's gotta go but
"You know nothing, Jon Snow"

Dany frees slaves
Gets her army at it's largest
Keeps Jorah at bay
Opts for Daario Naharis
Robb finds love in a gorgeous medic
He puts a baby in her
They attend a wedding
A song starts playing
The Starks start dying
I can't watch this again
I'm already crying

Margaery and Asshat
Wedding with a purple twist
Poison Wine
ASSHAT DIES LIKE A SIMPLE BITCH
Blame it on Tyrion
Who's like, "What the hell, Dad?"
Tywin's like, "Eweugh"
And Jaime feels real bad

Arya and the Hound
New bros stabbin' dudes
Then the Hound goes down
Arya leaves him
Psh, rude
Bran and crew trudging
Barely make it to the trees
And find the three-eyed raven
Then they chill for a season

Jon and Stannis teaming up
Wildling ice-climb
Jon and Ygritte teaming up
But she goes down this time
Dany in Meereen
With her new bearded Darrio
Dragons get homicidal
Chain 'em up
Sorry bro

Can't forget Oberyn
So talented with sticks
Goes to bat for Tyrion
But get's his face squished
Jaime frees Tyrion
Revenge for the latter
He chokes out Shae
Kills his daddy on the crapper

That's cool
And everything
White walkers, though...
(They're gonna kill you all)
Ramp up Valyrian steel production
Or else, you're boned

Yeah, no one cares
In fact, no one's mind could be further
They're dealing with a cult
And a couple child murders
Feel bad for Jaime
But for Stannis, not so much
He fails an invasion
And is slain by a woman's touch

Tyrion escaping
Meets Jorah on a bad night
Tyrion promoted
Stoned Jorah only gets iced
"I'm gonna break the wheel"
But her reign is coming undone
Deep shit
In the Pits
Eat dragon fire, sons

Arya going faceless
But only gets cataracts
Sansa psychologically abused by a psychopath
Sparrows in the Capital
Cersei's in a new game
Torture
And confession
SHAME

Jon and the Watch
Ally with the Wildlings
Hardhome massacre
The dead keep rising
Jon's like, "Holy shit"
Thorne's like, "Up yours, bro"
Stabby, Stabby, Stabby
That's the end of Jon Snow

Or is it?
Melisandre playing doctor
Let's see that ass again
OH GOD!
She got hotter
Bran escapes from Walkers
Learns of Jon Snow's lore
Thanks to our friend
Who only lived to hold the door

Dany and Dothraki
False start, but they're back so...
Them, plus a fleet
Plus her dragons
Dany's stacked, bro
Arya ends her training
Gets vengeance with a throat slash
Jon and Sansa reunite
But, gotta kill the psychopath
The biggest f**king asshole
I've ever f**king seen
I punch my TV every time he-
(Oh, I did that already)

Battle of the bastards
Visceral and vicious
Jon wins
Psychopath dies, via bitches
King's Landing
At the mercy of religion
Young Tommen and Margaery try to reason with them
Cersei's fire, Wildfire
Tears through the underground
Tommen drops out
Queen Cersei now
Bow down

We know
Stuff was left out
Throw us a bone
(There's so much crap to know)
But you're set for the end
Of Game of Thrones