Ant-Man in 3 Minutes (Recap Rap)

[Verse 1]
Let's begin in '89
When casting and makeup weren't aligned
'Cause Atwell's older, Slattery's untouched
But they made Uncanny Valley Douglas

Skip ahead to Bizarro San Quentin
Where inmates hug and Paul Rudd blends in
Done his time, now he swears to be good
Serving SF as the Baskin Robbin Hood

Fired super quick, then he's back in the mix
Luis got tips from other people's lips
Heist time, team of quirky bad men
Whatever you like, crappy Russian accent

Crack the safe longer than he scooped ice cream
Find an old suit that could probably use a dry clean
Honey shrunk himself, washed down the drain
Avoiding death incredibly and Michael's Peña

Locked up again, ants surprise him
Dons the suit again even though it traumatized him
Tiny guy, not rich or immortal
Ant-Man is just a little superhero morsel

[Chorus 1]
Ant-Man (Ant-Man)
The one that's after The Avengers
The universe's palate cleanser
Like a grapefruit slice or pickled ginger
Or a lemon sorbet (Yes)
Ant-Man is the MCU's lemon sorbet (Yummy)

[Verse 2]
Pym fam: future in-law and bae
Infested digs, but they don't use Raid
'Cause Hank is a wacky, science-y person
Using ants as indentured servants

Lucky they got time to kill
To teach this stranger secret skills
Suit stuff, bug stuff, tech stuff, MMA
But Hope knew all this stuff anyway

It woulda been a way simpler ask
She's smarter, stronger, up to the task
The second act would unpack the past of the family
And half the movie wouldn't be Michael Douglas yammering

Seriously it's like... the entire middle of the movie is just V.O. of Gordon Gekko spewing science B.S...

Anyway Rudd's no longer clueless
Leveled up and now he gotta prove it
Stark Base, NY, upstate
Battle the Avenger they had budget to pay

Then it's back to the bay to round up the crew
Which they wouldn't need to do if Hope wore the suit
She'd sneak into Pym, kick some derriere
But this movie ain't about breaking barriers

[Chorus 2]
Ant-Man (Ant-Man)
Ant-Man really should have been Ant-Woman
Feige thinks he knows what he is doing
Could've ended Phase 2 on a true win
Then Ant-Man and the Wasp
Would have been Ant-Woman 2 (Feminism)

[Verse 3]
Bad guy is a former mentee
Like his bald head, morally empty
And like Peter Russo, a super creep
But now he gets off on being mean to sheep (Meh)

Another heist, don't take long to plan it
'Cause it relies on miraculous ant-ics
(Oh, real funny Dad)
Son, go to your room

It's a trap at the end of the rope
Which wouldn't be the case if they just used Hope
Yet Scotty's still too big to fail, though
In a briefcase, on the magic railroad

Gotta get smaller, goes subatomic
That or he smoke a Rogen load of chronic (Weed)
Yellowjacket crumbles into nothing
Now Scotty's tight with his ex and her husband
Daughter got a pet ant, after all of this
They're gonna need a child psychologist

Tonsil hockey, Scott and Hope score
'Cause she peeped his abdomen once before
But hey new suit, we know that it fits
'Cause it has wings and room for her-

All right, look

Paul Rudd lifts funny off the page
Plus he's handsome and doesn't age
But his character is more than just silly
'Cause what time to blossom for Canada's Lilly

It wasn't in the comics and this theory's all hindsight
But Hope coulda been Marvel's first in the limelight
Strong women need a stronger presence and honestly
The irony here has not been lost on me