Jurassic World Recap Rap

[Verse 1]
Been a minute since Costa Rica
When the dinosaurs escaped
Then havoc wreaked, But
In spite of past mistakes, a billionaire sees profits
"Spare no expense!"
Maybe "Cut your losses"
Nevertheless here we go from the Midwest
Parents getting rid of both their kids for Christmas
A little walking Dino Wikipedia page
And the future sexual harassment case

Aunty BDH giving them no love
She's a busy business woman and in charge of stuff
Like this room full of people where she oversees the whole world
Listening to meta humor from the dude in New Girl
Meanwhile Pratt's out there wearing a vest
Training deadly lizards, ain't breaking a sweat
A Navy vet with manliness oozing out of his ears
Even fixes motorcycles while sipping on a beer
(Wait, Coke?)

The times, they are a changin' and who'da thunk
That this former chunky dude would turn into a hunk?

[Chorus 1]
This made Chris Pratt recognizable worldwide
(Global Star!)
No longer just the comic relief on the TV
(No more Andy Dwyer)
He had it all; Anna Faris at his side
(So Perfect!)
Why they divorced, I don't understand and it still bothers me
(What the hell?!)

[Verse 2]
Part T-Rex, part Snake, part Frog
Verizon presents a middle finger to God
A scary-ass attraction to get guests pants-crapping
It breaks out 'cause otherwise the movie don't happen
Kids are rolling in a dino-sized soccer ball
Escape the Rex like TLC:
She ain't chasing waterfalls
Make it to that old Visitor's Center
And then we're all beaten over the head with
('Member?)

Chopper crash 'cause the owner ain't a pilot
Scary-dactyls flying and now things get super violent
Death from above putting a cap on tourist season
Then that woman gets a drawn out brutal death
Because, reasons!
Now Aunty BDH is showing skin
And capping Pterosaurs, Pratt's thinking sin
But the chemistry's thin, it don't feel that strong
So what if instead they used the stars of CBS' Moms?

I'm not saying that'd make the movie better
Maybe if that was the case, they'd still be together!

[Chorus 2]
How come, Chris Pratt? Was this woman not enough?
(She's, like, your life!)
Yes, Anna made some wacky career decisions
(Like Overboard?)
But we do this, so then who are we to judge?
(We're thirty!)
You're both attractive people with senses of humor; what gives?
(And a kid!)

[Verse 3]
D'Onofrio is sick of robots and drones
Wants Raptors instead
(Wut?)
But hold the phone
"That thing's part Raptor!"
So of course they switch loyalties
Vince won't make the sequel but he's probably good on royalties
More dino mayhem, then the Raptors switch to be
Back on Team Pratt
Pick a side! Who are you, Italy?
Can't defeat Indominus, need more teeth to face it
So outrun the T-Rex in stilettos made by ASICS

Teamwork prevails, Shamu steals the kill
An awesome T-Rex at the end of the film
And the parents whose marriage was apparently on the fritz
Reunites with their kids
And speaking of which
We have to fake a trauma to make Pratt and Faris happen
Or maybe clone their son so that he can Parent Trap 'em
And they'll believe in love again and I'll believe in love again
Maybe we'll hang out one day and we can be the closest friends!

I don't mean to dismiss the deeper gravity
They made a tough decision 'cause they had to save the family
And I'm projecting my ideals on celebrities
The main takeaway is Jurassic World was "meh" to me