Toddler Mail [The Right to Bare Arms]

Hey, I wanna do something here before I get out of here. I get a lot of letters from toddlers. I get a lot of letters from toddlers and toddlers send me stuff. I try to answer 'em the best I can, you know? A lot of people ain't got a good moral... person no more and... so I figured I could be their guidance along the way.

Dear Larry,
My name's Eugene. I'm four years old. My friends call me Oogie. Why do farts stink? My mom calls them 'toots'. Do you think farts arе bad?
Love, Oogie

Dear Oogiе, the funny-name farting toddler,
Farts stink so deaf folks can also have a big belly laugh. If you wanna do a funny joke, go up to somebody somewhere and say, 'Did you fart? I smell Vaseline.' Just don't tell 'em I said to do that. If you tell anybody, I'll kill Santa Claus. Women always call farts 'toots' or 'poots'. Does your mom have big boobs? I'm just wondering. My dad was a preacher and he said that farts is just angels shooting off guns in your body... and the stink was the smell of dead demons being blowed out your butthole.

Dear Larry,
My name is Yusuf. I'm from Cabo and I'm five years old. My mom gets mad when me and my daddy pee on the toilet seat. Does this happen to you in your country?

Dear Yusuf, the toddler with the headtowel,
I hear you. That happens in this country too. Tell your mom it ain't our fault. When we fellers pee, we got a morning boner and it comes out in three different directions. (laughs) Sometimes, I pee on the seat, the mirror, the carpet and the cat. You probably do the same thing except on the cat 'cause if I remember correctly, y'all eat them critters. Tell your mom we can't help how we pee. Women are lucky 'cause they sit right on the hole and they gonna slam dunk it every time they go. They pee right out of their hind end... or somewhere down there. I ain't figured out that yet, but... they pee out of something, maybe a tiny weiner or something. I'm gonna go check it out. Does your mom have big boobs? Just wondering.
Love, Larry

Dear Larry,
My name's Patrick. I'm three years old. Why they got Spanish Christmas cards? Was Jesus Spanish?

Dear English-speaking, good American toddler Patrick,
I got no idea. I got no idea. That pisses me off too. Jesus wasn't no foreigner. There wasn't no foreigners in the Bible. When Jesus come to this country on the Mayflower and writ them books, it was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. There wasn't no Guillermo in none of them book pages. However, he does have the same name as my neighbor's lawn guy which is really troubling. Hold off on that, I'll read up on it and call you later. Does your mom have big boobs? Just wondering.

Dear Larry,
My name is Darla. I'm 12 years old. My mama said, at work, they told her that if any employee can come up with an idea to help the company save money, they would give that person $100. Do you have any ideas?

Dear Darla, the not-quite-toddler,
Does your mom have big boobs? I'm just wondering. If the company wants an idea to help them save money, and they're offering a hundred bucks, tell her to tell them to make the award 50 bucks. There, I just saved the company $50. Tell 'em to pay up and that they're all a bunch of retards.
Love, Larry

And then I'm gonna do this one more letter. This ain't from no toddler. This is from an older lady here. And this one just shows nobody can go out no more. Everybody's offended where- Most- A lot of people are just a bunch of babies. People need to grow up and this is one of 'em and I'm gonna do this letter right here. Alright? This is what's got her all bent out of shape to where she cries every night.

Dear Larry,
My name is Dolores. I'm 54 years old. I heard you on the radio one day and I got very offended at you 'cause you said the word 'titty'. That is very offensive. You need to say 'breast'. It would be very appreciated if you would change that in your program, as 'titty' very much so upsets me.
Dolores

And I writ her back. I'm gonna send this out tomorrow. It says:

Dear Ain't-Been-Laid-In-Awhile,
Ain't you got nothing better to do in your boring, pathetic, worthless, uptight, rich, white, commie, liberal, tofu-farting fairy life to do other than write me goofy letters? If you don't like something that you hear on the radio, it's got a thing called knobs. There's plenty of stations for plenty of people. I got an idea. If life is so upsetting to you, why don't you go run in front of a truck or something, alright?
Love in Christ, Larry
P.S. titty titty titty titty titty titty titty

Hey, thanks a lot, you guys! I appreciate you very much! Thank you so much for coming out to see me tonight. Thank you!