The Right to Bare Arms!

Can't believe they fined Little E for cussing in NASCAR. That's how political correct this country has gotten now. You can't cuss in NASCAR. What next? You can't pee in the pool during synchronized swimming?

They got a lot of that out in California, all that... political correct garbage. I'm out there four months a year taping this TV show. I'm gonna tell you this story. I go out to eat at this restaurant. I was living with a girl out there for three weeks 'til she found out I was there. And, uh... But I met this other girl and I wanted to take her somewhere nice. And she looked like Pam Anderson, alright, only Vietnamese. And we go to this restaurant... We go to this restaurant and they wouldn't let me in. And I'm not saying everybody, but there's a lot of people that think they're better than you are out there. All them rich, white, uptight, Hollywood, tofu-farting fairies. You know what I'm talking about? I'm sick and tired of them. That's right. They can kiss my Hard Rock [???]-looking hind end is what they can do.

But they wouldn't let me into this restaurant. They guy goes, 'You gotta be dressed properly to come in here.' I go, 'I'm an American citizen.' They're like, 'It don't matter. You gotta wear the right clothes.' So I took out my Constitution I always carry with me, of the United States. I do. I got one in my back pocket and I said, 'Right there in the Constitution, says I got the right to bare arms. Right there in the Constitution. Right there, alright? Git-R-Done! That's right. That was a big 'kiss-my-ass' for the Ponderosa Steakhouse right there.

But they got all that political correctness out there. You can't smoke in a bar in California no more which irritates me. It's a bar! You're not going in there to talk about Jesus and eat celery sticks. You know what I mean? Good Lord. People all irritated, they're running around. They're like, [with microphone to throat] 'You mean to tell me that we can't have one cigarette the whole time?' (laughs) I hope nobody has one of them! I'll feel bad if they did! But that's funny though. (laughs) Watch somebody mad at me in the back back there. [with microphone to throat] 'Hey, kiss my ass! Huh? Kiss my ass!' He'd try to rush the stage. [wheezing]

They got all them goofy TV shows out there. Them reality shows. You ever see that... what is that, uh, Apprentice? Isn't that the dumbest show you ever seen in your whole life? It's basically a game show, alright, and first prize is a job. Who the hell wants to win a job on a game show? Good Lord. What's second place? Jury duty?

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, there's another one right there. What the hell is this country coming to? They better not try to dress me up, that's all I gotta say! There'll be a new show out next week called Black Eye on the Queer Guy, by God! That'd be the next show out! (laughs) I ain't putting up with that, I'll tell you that right now!

And all the political correct people get mad. 'You shouldn't do jokes like that. That's very-' You know what? I could care less if you're gay, if you ain't gay. It ain't my business! I don't care if you... stick a carrot up your hind end and run around singing 'Looks Like Chicken Tonight'. Alright? I could care less! I tell you what, I'm sick and tired of hearing about it 24 hours a day. Alright? Do it and shut up! I've got friends who like sheep, they don't got a parade every Friday! You know what I mean? Good Lord! It's irritating! It's irritating! We trying to get to work and they blocking traffic every week with signs: 'We're Queer and We're Here!' Ugh, 'I'm Straight and I'm Late', alright? Get out of the street. It pisses my grandpa off, too. He rolled down the window. He was like, [with microphone to throat] 'Y'all wanna get your ass out of the street? [???]!' (laughs)