Song for a Friend (And Other Things I Think About When I’m Hammered at 4 A.M.)

Yeah, prove it. I'm gonna do, uh... I want you to know- Uh, something happened to my buddy the other day. I wanna do this song if you don't mind. I got a couple things here. Let me do this...

I'm gonna do this song for you here. (strums guitar, clumsily plays the intro to "Sweet Home Alabama") There's always somebody who wants to hear that Skynyrd and stuff, so, uh... (laughs) Mama, did you like that? Alright. I wanna sing you a song. This song's called "Looking for a Perfect Ten in a Motel 6".

Do you think Michael Jackson ought to change his name from King of Pop to King of Pop-a-Woody? (laughs)

I saw this girl the other day, had a pushup bra on. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What do you think of that?' I go, 'I think it needs to do some more pushups!' (laughs)

Is it just me or are, uh, gas stations starting to turn into mini-malls for the less fortunate? You know what I mean? You ever been into a dadgum mini-mall filling station? 'Yeah, I could really go for a shirt with a picture of a coyote on it. That's what I want. Give me one of them finger clipper slash combs with a picture of Jesus on it. That's what I want right there.

I'm gonna sing you this song right here. This happened to a buddy of mine, and I hope it never happens to any other feller in here. And, uh... it's a real good song. And, uh, it didn't happen to me, so it's funnier than hell. Uh... so I'm gonna do it here.

I'm in a bathroom the other day and, uh... and I had to go to the bathroom, and this black feller come running in and he's... he's just... sweating. He's like, 'Oh, I gotta get in there!' And he whip it out and he said, 'Ah, I just made it!' And I was like, 'Oh, damn, make me one of them! (laughs) Good Lord! That's unbelievable right there.

But this is a song here... that I wanna sing to you. I hope you like this song.

You know, I'm for the death penalty and... and I always get irritated... Well, and I'll tell you why. 'cause it... But it was one of them jackass Hollywood libs said to me one time, 'Do you really? Are you really for that? Would you wanna be the one that pulls the lever knowing that you're sending someone to their death?' And I was like, uh, 'Yeah, what's it pay?'

Alright, this happened to a buddy of mine. I hope it never happens to you, especially fellers when you're drinking.

We was watching that, uh... I- I just got one more story here. Uh, we was watching that Trading Spaces, so we thought we'd remodel my mama's trailer. And we put $1500 in that thing and, by God, we sold that thing for $1650.

I wanna do this song here. Hope this never happens to you:

Should've seen the rack on the girl I did last night
Long hair and blue jeans, Lord, she looked just right
I put my hand down between her legs and I got a big surprise
Should've seen the rack on the dude I did last night

(laughs) I hope that don't happen to you, by golly!