Family in Sanford

We ended up coming back to my house in Florida down there. It was New Year's Eve. We all went over to Grandpa's house, watch his balls drop. And, uh... and, uh... (laughs) That's comedy right there, I tell you. That's... that's a funny there. Anyway...

My grandma's a hypochondriac. She thought she was getting lip cancer from secondhand chew, so, uh... we was all over at the house out there. And, uh, we was looking through some scrapbooks and stuff. I found out that I was a C-section baby, and I didn't know that. And, uh, it was really cool. Found out, uh, section C of a Waylon Jennings concert a long time ago. It was real nice.

I remеmber one time, I always likеd to hunt. I always liked doing that. I got in trouble in Montana. I shot an elk... and I was at the Elk's Lodge, that was the problem there, but... But, uh...

I got a bunch- I got three sisters. My one sister, big ol' sister. And, uh, she's always a hypochondriac. She always she's got cancer or tumors or whatever. We was sitting on the couch the other day watching TV, she'd go like this all the time... 'What the hell?' Yeah, she'd dig in her hind end like this... It's irritating me. I'm like, 'What are you doing digging in your hind end?' She's like, 'There's a tumor up there.' 'You ain't got a tumor in your damn crack.' She goes, 'Well, there's a hard lump up in there. Look up in there, see if you see something up in-' 'I ain't looking in your ass for a tumor... on a Sunday, for God's sake. Go to the doctor.' She went to the doctor, spent $340. You know what it was? A Milk Dud. You believe that? She sat on it watching Walker Texas Ranger... Forgot all about it. She goes, 'I better go to the doctor, get a complete physical.' I go, 'You need to get the couch cushions cleaned out, is what you need to do! Every time you sit down, you pull up dinner in your crack.'

My other sister was there. She's another big ol' girl. My whole family's big, and we was at the mall, shopping. She's like 290 pounds, she's looking at wicker chairs. (laughs) She goes, 'What do you think of that wicker chair?' I go, 'I think if you sit in it, we're gonna have a lot of toothpicks around the house next week. That's... that's what I think. You don't need no wicker damn chair. Good Lord. Go sit on a frontend loader or something, that'd be good for you.'

But, you know what, I love her to death. She's trying to lose weight though, and I know she is 'cause Domino's called yesterday, worried about her. They ain't heard from her in a couple of weeks, so... They know there's something going on.

Ol' Moley, my sister Ol' Moley that you all know about, she, uh... Yeah, for those of you who don't know, quick rundown: I had a sister named Ol' Moley, then we called her Holy Moley 'cause she got saved, then she married a Mexican feller, then we called her Guacamole, you know that story on her. But she just had a baby, and, uh... She was in labor for 38 hours. You be- I give up on a poop after 20 minutes, alright? 38 hours, and she had that baby. We go, 'We're gonna name that baby Roley Poley Moley, that's what we're gonna name it!' She heard that, she laughed so hard, milk shot out of her nipples, I tell you. Jesus... She's a good girl!

My brother was over at the house too. My brother's probably the biggest redneck in my family. At his house, teeth are considered 'bling', alright? But he's pathetic. He's 38 years old, single and bowls every weekend. He's like, 'Why don't you come over and help me name my bowling team?' I'm like, 'Alright. I got a name right now. How about the I-Can't-Get-Laid-on-a-Weekend-Either's? How's that sound?' He ain't a good bowler either. I went to watch him and I caught a ball.

Yeah, I was up at the church the other day. We was up at the church. My dad was a preacher so I'm pretty schooled at that. My dad was good. He'd talk your ear off too. My dad's the only feller to make a Jehovah's Witness go, 'Look, man, we got to be getting the hell out of here,' alright? It's ridiculous. (laughs) It's ridiculous.