Romance and Imported Rubbers (I Seen This on TV... No Lie)

I always hated how women always stuffed everything in the medicine cabinet and then when we fellers open up the medicine cabinet, razorblades and toothpaste and all kinds of stuff hit us in the head. I was with this one girl and she was cramping up or something and... And that's a horrible thing. I don't know how y'all do that, but you should use it to your offense though. You know what I mean? You get pulled over...

'Can I see your license?'

'I'm cramping.'

'Oh. Get the hell out of here. Get out of here, go on. I only got one bullet.'

But she was cramping, so I went to get her some aspirin out the dadgum medicine cabinet. And I opened up that medicine cabinet and a tampon... flowed out of there, hit me in the eyeball, landed in the toilet, and when it hit the water, it went, '[rapid inflating sound]!' I'm like, 'Look at the size of that thing right there! You need to buy a smaller size or something! That's where the cramps are coming from right there! No wonder I can't satisfy you no more! Good Lord! Good Lord, look at the size- You got a pull-string rubber raft in between your legs when you walking around! How... how can you survive?' It's too bad the Titanic didn't sink on the 28th day of the month! Could've throwed some tampons in there and sopped up a lot of that water there. Saved some lives with the tampon sopping. That's right.

Broke up with a girl not long ago over religious reasons. I'm Baptist, she was a bitch, you know? So we had, uh... It just didn't work out. And I loved her too. This is the only girl I ever made love to with my pants completely down, alright? I mean, we had... We had a special bond right there, but... it didn't work out. (laughs)

I always hate it when a girl always said to you, 'Let's just be friends.' And God bless you, you don't want to hurt their feelings, but don't say, 'Let's just be friends'! That's like your mom telling you the dog died but you can still keep it if you want to.

I tell you what you need to do though. You need to be, nowadays, you need to be protected. And that's why I'm here tonight to share the news of wearing rubbers. And, uh... I always try to do a good deed everywhere I can. But I tell you what, I'm sick of tired of buying 'em 'cause it's embarrassing. I mean, they come in three- small, medium and large. There ain't no feller in here buying a damn medium rubber, I tell you that right now! It's embarrassing. I know I ain't, it's embarrassing. I'm always at the 7-11 buying rubbers. People walk in, I'm like, 'Whoa... Forget what you got up there. Uh... got a couple of trash can liners in the back back there somewhere? Put a couple of twisty-ties in there while you're at it there or something there...'

But they got these rubbers that's imported from Australia. I don't know if you've seen these or not. This was on the 60 Minutes. They're made out of lambskin. Have you heard about these? This is a true story! 16 different sizes. I mean, you can get fitted for 'em! And, uh, so I went down to get fitted for these. And, uh, they give you a piece of plywood with 16 holes drilled in there to see what size you are. This is a true story, I seen it on TV! They thought of everything. It's well-sanded and everything! I mean, they got it all worked out! So I go in there for a couple hours... And, uh... I come out. I was like, 'Forget the rubbers. What do y'all want for the board you got in there?' (laughs) Git-R-Done! (laughs)

You need to be safe though 'cause they's a lot of girls you meet that are kind of kinky and that's irritating 'cause I ain't into all of that. So I tell you this, here's about as bad as I get: I like two girls at the same time, and that's only 'cause I need a spotter, alright? I do! I got one heck of a dismount, I'll tell you right now. It's pretty good. Kind of a backflip half-twist, it's really nice. All's I care about is if they move or not, that's what I care about! I used to date- this one girl I was with never even moved. I had to make love to her on an air hockey table all the time. And it stunk. Every time I'd get into the rhythm, I'd have to stop and put quarters in it. It sucked! They finally throwed us out of Chuck E. Cheese after a couple of weeks in there, but... They were pissed too. They were like, 'You get your girlfriend and get her in a wheelchair and get the hell out of here! We've had it with you two people in here!' 'Well, you've got an air hockey table, what do you want me to do?'

But they got a lot of all that kinky stuff out there which I ain't much into. And I tell you what irritates me. I was at the mall, at the bookstore, and they had some sort of a medical book or something at the book- and it showed different sexual positions. And it kind of irritated me 'cause kids go in the mall. They can pick up any book they want. And you shouldn't have that in there for kids and it irritated me. I mean, I bought 'em and got 'em the hell out of there. You know? 'cause... I'm all about the kids up here.

But there was one position in there I'm gonna talk to you about. And I don't want to get too graphic on ya, but it's a 69. You know what that is? I ain't gonna talk no more about it, alright? But I remember. I'm telling you this to tell you my experience. First time this ever happened to me, this girl goes, 'I wanna do a 69. I wanna do a 69.' And I was like, 'Whatever. Get me a beer. I don't even know what it is.' You know what I mean? So she's like, 'Let's do a 69. Let's do a 69.' So I'm about to ask, 'Well, what is that?' Before I could even say something, her hind end came BOOM! On my head... About broke my damn nose. I can't breathe, I'm like, '[makes suffocating struggling noises]!' She hit me with four farts right on the side of the damn face. That's a true story! She farted on my damn face four times! Pissed me off. She almost knocked the truck out of gear. I'm all mad, she's like, 'Ain't you having fun?' I'm like, 'Yeah, but I ain't gonna sit through 65 more of them dadgum things!' Man, I could barely handle the four that come out! They ought to change that position to '3' is what they ought to do. I can handle three of 'em, not 69 of 'em. Yeah...