NASCAR

I like NASCAR. I always thought Stayfree mini-pads ought to sponsor NASCAR, just to hear the announcers. That'd be pretty good right there.

'Welcome to the Summer's Eve... 200. The KY Jelly car has just accelerated... and easily slipped into the #2 hole. The Vagisil car has been itching and burning rubber all season out there... and is #1 in the Busch standings.' (laughs)

That's right. They got hard liquor sponsorship now, too, which'd- That'd be another good race to hear!

'We just started the race and the #7 Jack Daniel's car has already slammed through the wall! Followеd closely by the Coca-Cola chaser car! All 15 mеmbers of the Jose Cuervo car are still waiting on a jump-start. Could somebody please unhook the lawn maintenance trailer from the Jose Cuervo car? The leaves are blowing out when they go around turn 2.' Git-R-Done. That's funny, I don't care who you are right there.

But I like NASCAR. I was in Talladega last year. Did you know the Viagra car is the only car that's got windshield wipers on the inside? (laughs) That's funny! (laughs) That's true!

But them people that mock NASCAR, that don't under- Look, if you don't understand a sport, don't talk about it bad, alright? I gotta tell you something. You know what I mean? I was leaving- I'm gonna tell you a story. I was leaving the hospital the other day. I ain't gonna ment- We had a big shakeup in the family, but that ain't concern to you. But, uh, we was leaving the hospital. I was visiting my grandpa. He's getting, uh, ovarian cancer. And, uh... Yeah, we didn't even know it. Uh... he did have a lot of high heels, I do remember that, but I didn't think nothing of it. When he breastfed me, that was kind of weird. I didn't understand that. I knew there was something going on with him.

But I'm leaving the hospital and there's a little kid there coloring or something, but I had my NASCAR shirt on and he goes, 'You a NASCAR fan?' I'm like, 'Git-R-Done!' He's like, 'NASCAR ain't nothing but a bunch of mullet-headed rednecks drinking Busch beer watching cars go around in circles all day.' That's what he said! Pissed me off. I went up to that little punk and I said, 'Let me tell you something, you little turd. NASCAR's a lot more than that, alright? We also got Budweiser!' (laughs) Git-R-Done! I walked by him, I kind of smacked him upside the head a little bit. He pissed me off. It's a wonder I didn't rip him out of his wheelchair. Ain't nothing I hate worse than a cocky crippled kid, I'll tell you that right now. You respect your elders.