Faith Healers and Weight Problems

You ever see that faith healer Benny Hinn? You ever see that dude? That guy pisses me off. If you like him, God bless you. I think he's a fake. But here's what he does: crippled people come up to his stage like this. You watch it, it's on the damn TV! And he goes, 'Be healed!' Poof! And he hits these crippled people in the head and they fall down like a stuck hog, and I'm watching. I'm like, 'This feller is sucker-punching crippled people!' Alright? He gets his kicks out of sucker-punching crippled people and it's pissing me off! And my grandma likes him. She's like, 'You leave him alone and don't say nothing in your program. He is healing people! I just saw three crippled people get up out of a wheelchair.' Yeah, they think he's gonna come over and beat the hell out of 'em, that's why they get out of the wheelchair! You show me one verse in the Bible where the Lord's running around punching crippled folks. It ain't in the Bible, not even in the red words.

I went to a Catholic church one time. Boy, you gotta be in shape to go there, don't you? Oh, man! I felt like a Britney Spears dancer in there or something! And I got bad knees and I didn't know if- If I'd have known what to expect, I'd have put a brace on or something! I walk- I go, 'Well, I'll just follow the guy in front of me 'cause I never been in one of these churches.' So I walk in. The minute I get in there, I'm like, 'Hey, do y'all do a lot of- oh. Oh, alright.' He'd kneel down, I'd kneel down. 'So when y'all- what the hell? You just sat down, I was just down like that. So are you going- you son of a... I just...' I get- I was like this: down, up, sit down, stand up, do a shot, kneel back down, stand up... Unbelievable. (laughs) That's crazy. Went in to learn about the Lord and I left drunk and crippled. That was real nice. My grandpa's running out, [with microphone to throat] 'I ain't working out in no damn church!'

We took my cousin up to the church. He was feeling bad and he... he really wanted to, uh, apologize for what he did. He got his weiner stuck in a birdhouse at the zoo and... and, uh... Yeah, it was horrible. He would've got away with it but some women looking at birds thought they'd seen a beer-bellied woodpecker in there, so... so they caught him in there, dangling in there. So we went up to the church to ask forgiveness. And we was in there, I seen the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life, other than seeing my cousin dangling from a woodpecker, OK? Uh... Old Lady Hunsicker's in our church, alright? She's 390 pounds, about 4 foot 11. And she got up to sing a solo in the choir. She's like the whole choir in one clump, alright? I mean, her choir robe had cupholders, alright? And you know what she sung? 'Love Lifted Me'. Love... A crane couldn't have lifted her! And my cousin nudges me and goes, 'Love ain't lifting her without a winch, I tell you that much right now!'

Yeah, but I shouldn't talk. I need to lose weight myself. It's a tough struggle. I put on 50 pounds ever since Janet Jackson popped her titties out at the Super Bowl. I did. I cannot stop drinking chocolate milk to save my life. Boy, that is good milk!

You ever eat a Lean Cuisine? Good Lord, I've seen more food in Charlie Daniels' beard for God's sake. Gotta go on three diets to go on that.

You ever hear of the Atkins diet? Yeah, I'm on the Clay Aiken diet. (laughs) You pop in a Clay Aiken record and try and keep food down. (laughs) Now that's funny right there, alright! That's right.