Shavin’, Waxin’, Primpin’ and Shootin’ Quail! (This Is Funny, I Don’t Care Who Ya Are!)

I was at the Victoria's Secret one time and... And, uh... That's right. Oh, I met this little midget at the Victoria's Little Secret... and got her some edible underbritches. Boy, I went through them like popcorn shrimp, I tell you what, boy. Goo-ood. Just like they used to make 'em.

But, uh, they had these little teeny britches- Git-R-Done. They had these, uh- I don't miss a-one of 'em. They had these little britchеs in there for fellеrs. And they're so tiny. I mean, if a feller would squeeze into 'em, it'd look like his tonsils are hanging out of his undershorts. It's pathetic. My girlfriend goes, 'Try on them little shorty shorts over there!' I'm like, '(laughs) That ain't gonna happen! (laughs)' So I go in the dressing room and try 'em on in there... Oh Lord, they... split my boys in two places. I had one boy come out the left side, another boy come out the right side. I even had a nut I didn't know about come out of them shorts! I thought I had a tumor down there or something. She's like, 'Come on out and let's take a peek at your shorty shorts!' I'm like, '(laughs) I'm staying right in here!' So I go walking out there... everything hanging out. It was embarrassing. The girl who worked there was like, 'What is that?' My grandpa's like, '[with microphone to throat] It looks like his tonsils are hanging out of his shorts there!' Grandpa, get back in the truck and quit following me around! You everywhere. Here, the Catholic church. Good Lord.

But the women got it real bad. Your britches are getting smaller and smaller and you need to be groomed up now if you're gonna wear your britches. And that's sexy, women waxing the private areas, that- Boy, people doing that everywhere now and making a lot of- That's what I'm gonna do when I stop doing this. Dadgum, I'm gonna wax the women, that's what I'm gonna do. Hey, I ain't kidding you! You think I- Next time you in Florida, down by Sanford, come off I-40, there gonna be a big sign: 'Bushwhackers'. Right down there in Sanford down there. I'm telling you the damn truth!

But it is sexy, I tell you what. It's better than it was back in the 70s and 80s. A girl come at you naked, look like a dadgum ZZ Top concert headed at you or something. I had a girl take her britches off one time. A bunch of quail flew out of her dadgum undershorts. I ain't making that up! That's a true story! I didn't need a rubber, I needed a permit, that's what I needed on that girl! It was ridiculous! I could've got lucky and my limit all in one weekend.

But women want fellers to do that. My girlfriend wanted me to do that and I draw the line right there. 'Shave your privates!' 'Uh-uh! (laughs) I'll leave you! (laughs)' So I'm in there shaving my private parts in there. Yeah, that was real sexy. Come out of the bathroom, little red bumps and toilet paper squares all over my testicles. Good Lord. Standing there naked, it looked like a grub worm with a turtleneck on, that's what I looked like. (laughs)

If I was a girl, I'd never shave, I'll tell you that much! I'd be at the beach, look like I was smuggling Chewbacca in my undershorts, that's what I'd look like. I ain't doing that garbage. Damn.