Las Vegas

I was just in Las Vegas not long ago. I like being out there. I got in trouble... I was in Las Vegas. I went in a strip club and a girl got mad at me 'cause I tipped her with Monopoly money. She was all pissed! She said, 'That's fake money!' I said, 'Them are fake titties!' Git-R-Done, that's right. Real money, real titties, that's what I say right there. Real monies, real titties, that's in the Bible right there. That's biblical. You can read about in 2nd Parentheses, it's right in therе. 3rd Parentheses, I ain't gonna gеt all religious on you up here... but it's in there.

I don't like them pancake buffets in Las Vegas. Good Lord. You ever eat the pancake buffets? I gained so much weight, I had to buy relaxed-fit condoms by the time I left there, it was ridiculous. And I used to be in shape. I used to be a lifeguard 'til some blue kid got me fired. But them pancake buffets... I had the pancake poops the whole time I was out there. 'You wanna play poker?' 'Nah, I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl, I'll be alright.' Good Lord. I was out there seven days, I had cinnamon ass for five of 'em, it was ridiculous. I disappeared like a fat girl playing dodgeball, in Las Vegas. I was out of that place in there.

They have that game there called keno. You ever play keno? Anybody speak English at all in here, or...? Feel like I'm talking to the U.N. and nobody has their headphones on in there.

But I didn't know what keno was, and they play keno everywhere. I'd go down for breakfast, they's a girl walking around, 'Keno. Keno. Keno.' The next morning, she's down there, 'Keno. Keno.' I'm like, 'Hey, get a leash for that dog! Alright?' And they're hooked on it too. I'm standing next to this woman, she goes, 'Look! I can't believe it! Look at that!' I'm like, 'What?' She goes, 'The keno numbers are coming up in order. One, two, three, four, five.' I'm like, 'You're on the elevator, jackass!' Isn't that irritating?

I tell you what to do. God, I always like to see a lot of the old rock 'n roll bands pre-form, and they do in Las Vegas. You ever see Boston? Boston was out there! That's right. I think Boston's the laziest rock 'n roll band in the world. They've had five albums since 1976. Step it up! Alright? Damn, Jimi Hendrix is dead and he puts out three a year, for God's sake.

I read an article somewhere that that feller, Sting. I don't like that Sting feller, but I read this article in the paper 'cause my neighbor got up late, and, uh... I read this article in the paper... you- you'll get a lot of this later on on the way to the house. But it said that Sting cries after he has sex. You believe that? He cries- I was like, 'Big deal! So do I, but that's only when I realize I ain't got enough money to cover the check!' (laughs) I do too!

I never saw the Rolling Stones live and I was at one of their shows. Uh... Did you know that one dude from the Rolling Stones married a girl that was 19 when he was 53 years old? Git-R-Done! You believe that? She was 19, he was 53! That pissed me off! I went to my old math teacher and I said, 'I told you 53 goes into 19!' (laughs) That's right.