War Stories

I wanna mention World War II because a lot of you know that I was a hero. It wasn't easy, though, backing up. I backed up so far in one battle, I bumped into a general. He said, "Why are you running?" I said, "I’m running because I cannot fly." Sure ask you some dumb stuff under pressure. Me, a potential hero, laying in my foxhole, lonesome, thinking about my wife back in Hattiesburg—I mean, Harrisburg, sorry. I was thinking about my wife back home, giving away all that good furniture. I was overseas four years, man. Came back home, my lady met me in San Francisco, said, "Foxx, Foxx, you're a father!" I said, "Hold on just a moment here—one, two, three, four." I said, "You're a mutha!" Just one of those things—marriage is like that. I got a sister, 40 years old, never been married. I said, "Why don’t you get married, sis?" She said, "For what? I got a dog that growls, a fireplace that smokes, a parrot that cusses, and a cat that stays out all night—now what the hell I need with a husband?" All marriages aren't like that, though. Now, take my wife—to Egypt, and don't never come back—hear? Please carry her somewhere. I work with those pretty strippers out in Hollywood, those pretty girls take all their clothes off, you saw me on television that night with the pretty girl—just, beautiful girls, it's a drag. Then I go home, my old lady laying up there looking like somebody's brother. Matter of fact, my old lady is somebody's brother. (That's cold) It is cold, but we're warming it up.