Spokesperson

Figured out what I wanted to do: I wanna do commercials. I wanna be a spokesperson. I don’t wanna do movies, I don’t wanna do stand-up anymore. I really just wanna be, like, a commercial guy. Like an AT&T guy. They’re like, “Ayy, you need a fucking phone?” Like, I’ll be that guy forever. No problem. “Ayy, you need a fucking phone?”

But I was talking to my friend. Some people hate spokespeople. Some people do not like spokespeople at all, you know? Like, whenever I’m watching TV, and my friеnd’s over at my house, and if I’m watching TV and- and Flo the Progrеssive lady comes on, immediately the person I’m with is like, “Ah, this fucking bitch.” I’m like, “What? Why? I mean I agree, but, like, why? Why do we hate her so much?” My friend was like, “Is that what you wanna be? You wanna be Flo?” I was like, “I’m sure she has friends. Like, I’m sure of it. I’m sure she’s not alone on the weekends.”

I was like, “Look at Jared.” I’m like, “He’s the worst one out of all of ‘em.” No, some people don’t know what happened with Jared, and I love to tell them. Literally my favorite thing in the world, when I go, “Did you hear about Jared?” And they’re like, “No.” I’m like, well, I hope you have a half hour.” If you don’t know what happened with Jared, basically, he fucked a bunch of kids. Once you fuck a kid, it’s over for you. There’s no coming back from fucking a kid. Get that in your head now. I’m serious. Once you fuck a kid, it is over. So it’s very hard for Jared to ever come back. He will never come back. And there’s only one way the place that he was repping can come back, and I figured out how. It’s if I was the spokesperson, and I play one of the kids that Jared fucked. And I’m like, “Hey, guys! I’m Timmy.” I don’t know, I feel like Timmy would be a kid that would get fucked. Like, if I was a pedophile at a playground and I was like, “What’s your name?” And he was like, “Timmy.” I’d be like, “Oh, I’m gonna fucking fuck the shit outta him.” “What about me?” “Shut up, Connor. Nobody wants to fuck you.” Fucking Connor, always tryna get raped.

No, I would be like, “Hey guys, uh, you know, my name’s Timmy. I’m one of the kids that Jared molested. It’s a very unfortunate situation, but… the sandwiches are still great. Like, he didn’t fuck the sandwiches. You can still eat the sandwiches. He fucked my little boy booty hole, but not the sandwiches.”