Rehab

This Christmas, I, uh, I had a, uh, couple weeks off. I tried to go to rehab, uh, for my mom, as a Christmas gift, uh. But it’s weird. I tried to go to rehab ’cause I wanted to smoke weed less. Like, I didn’t even want to quit. Don’t tell anybody that in rehab, by the way. So I didn’t have enough time to think about it. I was like, “I’ll go to rehab.”

So I asked my friends– like, like, you know, people who'll know about this stuff, and I was like, “Where should we go? Wha– what’s, like, the best place?” They were like, “You should go to a rehab facility in Utah.” Without even thinking, booked the flight. Did you know, when you book a flight to Utah, there is a layover in Denver? And I was sitting in the airport like, “Is this part of the fucking rehab? Like, do I–is this level one? Do I have to get past this?”

Also, did you know that there’s rehabs everywhere? You don’t have to go to Utah. I found that out, ’cause I got there, and I was like, “Hi, my name’s Pete Davidson.” They’re like, “Oh, where you from?” I was like, “I live in Manhattan.” And they’re like, “Oh, have you heard about our facilities... in Manhattan?” I was like, “No, I heard about the one in Utah.”

It’s a weird thing, going to rehab when you wanna smoke weed less, like not even quit, because people are there for crack and meth, and I’m there ’cause, like, I wanna know what food tastes like. That’s what happens, by the way, when you stop smoking weed for a little bit. You’ll be like, “Oh, some food is not good.”

First thing you do when you get into a rehab is, uh, you check into detox. I didn’t know there was no such thing as detox for potheads. So I shoulda known something was up, because I was in a line waiting to check-in, and everybody in front of me was shaking, and I wasn’t. And I felt uncomfortable. I was like, “Fuck that. I’m not gonna be the odd man out in a rehab.” So I started shaking myself. I was like, “Oh, kicked in later, you guys. Fuck. Holy shit.”

I remember this guy that was just like, “Hey, guys, I’m Joe. I do crack. I died.” And then he was like, “But they brought me back. Ha-ha! Obviously!” And I was like, “Ha-ha, haha. I don’t know if that’s funny.” And he was just like, “This is my last shot.” And everybody was like, “Thank you. Thank you, Joe.” And I didn’t know you thanked them after, so I was late. I was like, “Oh, thanks, Joe!” And then everybody looked at me, and I was like…

They had all these weird rules. Very, very weird rules, like, they were like– I wanted to watch Crank 2. The guy– there was a bunch of people in the rehab. I was like, "Yeah, you ever see Crank?" And the guy's like, "Oh yeah, it's one of my favorites." I was like, "You ever see Crank 2?" He was like "No." I was like, "How long have you been in here?"

And I, like, in order to watch Crank 2 you have to fill out a form, like, if you wanna watch something. I was like, " Crank 2." And they were like, "No, you can't watch Crank 2 because there's drugs in it, there's sex in it, there's violence in it." You know, "What if someone watches it, and then it makes– gives them the urge to go do that again and it ruins their– their program?" And I was like "That's– that makes no fucking sense." That would never, like, if that's the reason why you're gonna withdraw, like, you shouldn't be in rehab anyway. That's just how I feel. Like, I doubt I'm ever gonna be in a rehab meeting ever again and someone's gonna be like "Hey, my name's Max. Uh, it's my second time back. Psssh, Crank 2." Like...