Free Clinics

I like going to free clinics, ’cause they know what’s up. You know, nobody goes to a free clinic for chemo. Everybody goes to a free clinic ’cause they had fun yesterday. I like to go to this free clinic in Brooklyn ’cause it’s very well run. That’s right; you could Yelp other things besides food. And I went in, and it’s very well run. The first thing— they don't waste any of your time. They— it's great. The first thing they do, they prick your finger to test you for AIDS, they give you a number, and then you sit with everybody else. And then while you wait to see the doctor, they’ll call your number, tell you your AIDS result. Yeah. It’s like bingo. It’s sick. It’s fucking best establishment in Brooklyn. Maybe I’m not painting a good picture enough. A, uh, a nurse will literally come out to the waiting room and be like, “33! No!” And 33’s like… 34’s in the corner like, “Fuck! It’s been seven ‘no’s in a row! Due for a yes.” I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. Like, I’ve never been there and a lady’s been like, “Uh, 34? Yeah, you have AIDS.” Like, that’s never happened. I don’t know what they would do. What do you think they would do? I’m sure they would just, like, take you into a room and throw you a Magic Johnson jersey and be like, “Welcome to the team, bro. Come on, be positive. Don’t be negative."

I gotta tell you a funny story about Heavy: my boy Heavy. So I’m–I’m a– I hate everybody, but I won’t let you know it. Like, I’ll be really pissed or not having a good time. You’ll never be able to tell. Heavy, exact opposite. Something’s wrong, you know about it immediately. It’s why I love bringing him places, right? So me and him, we go to the Justin Bieber concert. We get very fucked up. We’re like, “Let’s go see the Biebs.” No, he puts on a great show. He really does. He puts on a sick show. You should go see him. Don’t fucking clap; this is my time. But seriously, you should go see him. He does put on a great show, okay? Now enough ball-washing for him, alright. So me and him were really fucked up. We’re very late. We’re, like, an hour late to the concert. And we have front row. We have, like, seats over here, okay? We’re late. We get there. There are these two little girls. They could– eight years old, tops. In our seats, having the fucking time of their lives. Like, you couldn’t tell these girls nothing. Like, they were having just the sweetest, best time ever. So I go to Heavy, and I’m like, “Listen. You’re 30. I’m 22.” I’m like, “Let’s give these kids their seats, let them have a nice fun time, and we’ll just hang in the back.” And Heavy goes, “Uh, abso-fucking-lutely not.” And I swear to God he goes up to these two little kids and he goes, “Um, excuse me, little princesses. Uh, are these your seats?” And they go, “No, mister.” And he goes, “Uh, then get the fuck out. One time.” And then, like, without skipping a beat, he’s like, “This is gonna be sick. We’re gonna have some fucking fun.”