Cape Air

No, it’s nice to be home. I had a–I had a fucked-up week. I had a long week. Uh, I had to fly Cape Air. I don’t know if anybody’s ever flown Cape Air, but I’ll tell you what it is: it’s a Volvo that flies. It’s a Volvo with wings.

Um, first thing, uh, you pull up to the airport. I didn’t even know it was the Cape Air airport, because it looked like a post office. So I told the Uber driver, I was like, “Listen. I think we’re at the post office.” And he was like, “No, this is the airport.” And I was like, “Well, okay.”

First thing you do when you get in there– there’s one lady working in the airport. And when I got in there, I was very, like— I was like, “What the fuck’s going on?” And she was like, “Okay, weigh your carry-on.” I was like, “That seems normal.” I’ve weighed my carry-on before. And she was like, “Now weigh your backpack.” I was like, “Well, that’s a little odd.” I’ve never really weighed my backpack, but, you know, maybe there’s not a lot going on at Cape Air. Maybe she’s just trying to get a good work in. Like, you know what I mean? So I weighed my backpack. And then she was like, “Now you.” I was like, “Why–why do I have to be weighed?” And she was like, “Well, we have to weigh everybody “so we know where to seat you on the plane so it doesn’t topple over. ‘Cause it’s not, like, a regular plane.” And I was like, “Did you just say ‘regular plane’? Why the fuck is that okay?”

It was terrifying. We walk to the plane. You could sit shotgun with the pilot like he’s your buddy from college. The pilot was trying to give us a speech before. It was crazy. He was just like, “All right, guys. Before we take off on Cape Air, uh, I just want to let you know pretty much the most important rule. You guys know how on a regular plane…” I was like, “What’s with this fucking ‘regular plane’ thing?” I was like, “Get a new spiel!" He was like, “You know, when you’re on a regular plane, they’re like, ‘Turn your phones off,’ but you really don’t have to turn your phone off? On this plane, turn your fucking phones off. All right, everybody have a safe flight, all right?" Just happy to be home.