Shrooms

Anybody here ever do ‘shrooms? Like, I’m afraid to do drugs ’cause I love them. Like, whenever I’m about to do a drug, I need to do it with a friend. That way, like, if I die, he dies too. For some reason, that would be so much better for my mom to find out. Like, if two of us died, it’s not as bad as just me. Does that make sense? No, I’m serious, ’cause if I just died, my mom’s like, “What a fucking drug addict.” But if it’s me and another friend, it’d be like, “That bad influence, Ryan. I always said he was no good for my son.” I picked my friend Ryan to do ‘shrooms with me. My friend Ryan, some of you might know. Some of you might not. He’s this 6’5″, 250-pound black dude from Flatbush, Brooklyn. Okay, he’s been to jail a bunch of times for real shit, not for, like, hoping a turnstile. For, like, murder, okay? He didn’t do it, and… Yeah. He’s nice to me. So I–before I do a drug, I usually Google the best and worst thing that could happen. Probably not a good idea, but, again, I’m not a smart person. Let me tell you how not smart I am, okay? This is how not smart of a person that I am. I thought Chicago was a state until a week ago. Not done. Only reason why I found out Chicago is not a state is ’cause I was in Chicago, doing a show, came out, said, “Wonderful to be in the state of Chicago.” Nobody said anything. Nobody said anything 'til the end of the show. So I did a whole show with “state of Chicago” confidence. That’s how fucking stupid I am. So I looked up– I was like, “What’s the best thing that could happen to you on ‘shrooms?” Best review I saw was, “I did ‘shrooms, I saw the world, and I feel like I’m a better person now.” And I was like, “Hey, that’s a great review." 200 likes. Nice. Reliable. Worst review of ‘shrooms: “Don’t do ’em. Jumped out of my window.” 500 likes. I was like, “Fuck. I have two windows. So there’s doubly the chance.”

So I got Ryan in my apartment, and I got a guy, a man to come over to install child locks on my windows. And he got to my house, and he was putting in the child locks, and he was like, “Oh, my God, this is so sweet. When’s the baby due?” And I was like, “There’s no baby. Me and him are doing ‘shrooms.” So we do ‘shrooms, and then nothing happens for about an hour. And you know when people do drugs or drink and they just brag about how not fucked up they are and it’s the most annoying thing eve– I– To me, it really bothers me whenever someone’s like, “Drank 14 beers. I don’t feel shit!” And it’s like, “Oh, maybe you’re autistic, then, because you should be fucked up completely, to be honest with you.” So we were getting a little mad that it wasn’t working, so we turn on this movie with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. It’s a new movie, so just know they already look scary. I'm on my phone for like 20 minutes just scrolling. And you know how when you scroll and it loo– the little loading bar comes up so the next page can come up? There was no loading bar. There was just pages coming up, so I was just like, "Oh wow. My wi-fi is sick." Like, I was very into my wi-fi. I was like, "NETGEAR32 killing it right now." Fucking flying through everything. No loady bar. Was very excited.

Ryan goes, “Yo, is Al Pacino orange?” And I’m scrolling, and I looked up, and he was, but it didn’t bother me. I went back on my phone. I was like, “Yeah, he is.” Really bothered Ryan, ’cause now Ryan was hiding under a Snuggie, shaking. And he said, “Yo bro, call me when this is over.” So I was freaking out. I was like, “Already the safest guy that I picked to do ‘shrooms with is already hiding under my Snuggie. I’m fucked.” And I started f– panicking and freaking out. I can’t do this alone, you know? I can’t do anything alone. So I told Ryan, I was like, “Listen. I’m going to go downstairs, tell the doorman we’re very high on ‘shrooms in case anything happens,” to which Ryan goes, “Why the fuck would you do that?” And I said, “So he knows.” It makes no sense, but at the time, it made so much sense to me. He’s like, “Why would you do that?” I was like, “Why the fuck would you do that? So he knows.” Guy with the questions. So then I got in the elevator. It went down one floor, and it stopped. The alarm went off. And I was freaking out. I was like, “Fuck. I’m fucked. I-I need to get out of here.” So I started punching the elevator, trying to open it. I was freaking out. I was staring at my fist. I was like, “If it ever would happen, it would happen now. Wolverine! Come on, one time. Wolverine one time.” It didn’t happen, obviously. I wouldn’t be here right now. I got downstairs. 'Kay, elevator doors opened. I was too afraid to get out, ’cause I was afraid it wouldn’t go back up. Makes no sense, but at the time, huge fucking problem. Like, I-I was like, “What if it don’t go back up?” So I just stuck my head out to the doorman, and I was like, “Hey, it’s Pete, third floor. If anything happens, me and my friend Ryan, we’re really high on ‘shrooms.” And then he looked at u– like this, and then the door just fucking closed in his face.

I got back upstairs into my apartment. Two windows open, no Ryan. To which I said, “I fucking knew it. I knew this would happen. 500 people liked it.” And then Ryan goes, “Yo, my bad about the windows. I’m in the bathroom.” I was like, “All right. Okay.” Now normally, I don’t care when my friends are in the bathroom for over an hour. And I don’t ask what’s going on in there. But we were both on ‘shrooms, and it was over an hour. So I was like, “Hey, Ryan, what the fuck’s going on in there?” And he was like, “Bro, you got to get in here.” Ryan’s been to jail. So I was like, “Is this jail Ryan, or is this my friend Ryan that we all know and love?” I get in there. This is a true– This is exactly what’s going on. He’s naked, in his boxers, flexing, having the fucking time of his life, just flexing. He’s like, “Ugh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.” I’m like, “What’s up, bro?" Like, "What’s going on?” And he’s like, “I’m the Hulk.” And I didn’t know what he was talking about. I was like w– I was like, “What do you mean, you’re the Hulk?” He goes, “Don’t you see? I’m green. I’m the very first black Hulk.” And he kept flexing, and I was like, “I don’t–I don’t get it.” And he was like, “Look in the mirror.” This is the only time that I tripped. I looked at Ryan like this, looked at him into the mirror. He turned green into the mirror, and I was like, “Oh, my God, you are the Hulk. Congratulations. This is sick.” So then I got a little cocky, and I was like, “Perhaps I’m also the Hulk.” And I took my shirt off, and I just looked very sick. I was like, “I need to get out of here immediately.”

Ryan gets on the couch. We’re watching–we’re about to watch the rest of this movie. The second we hit “play,” it’s a scene where Al Pacino comes out from behind a corner and goes, “Hello!” And we were like, “Fuck that. That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” So we shut it off. It was horrifying seeing this 75-year-old orange person go, “Hello!” It was fucking terrifying. So now me and Ryan are both high on ‘shrooms, uh, shirtless under our Snuggies, just shaking, holding each other. And then my mom texts me, okay? My mom sends the worst possible text she could send when someone’s violently high on ‘shrooms. She sends me, uh, “Pete, just want to let you know I’m so proud of you. I love everything you’re doing. You make such smart decisions, and Dad would be very proud.” And then I just started crying. I was like, “Aw, man! My mom’s all proud, I’m on ‘shrooms, I wasn’t even the Hulk.” Like, it was just this whole fucked-up bad day. And then Ryan goes, “Shut the fuck up.” And you know when you’re crying and your friend don’t care, it makes you cry more? When you’re like, “Uhhh,” and you’re friend’s like, “Uh,” and you’re like, “Uh?” Like… “Uh? Please care.” So it made me cry more. I was like, “What do you mean? Like, what–who does that?” And he was like, “Bro, seriously, shut the fuck up. I’m gonna punch you in the face.” I was like, “Well, why can’t you just be my friend? Why can’t you just be there for me?” And he was like, “‘Cause I miss my mom too!” And then he started crying, and then we both held each other and cried under my Snuggie. And then the ‘shroom trip was over, and then Ryan did the funniest thing I’ve ever seen anybody do. Um, he took the Snuggie off, and he dabbed his eyes with it. And then he looked at me, and he went, “Oof... Yo, Pete, ‘shrooms? Incredible.” Thank you. Thank you very much.