911

So... we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck outta here. How’s that sound? It’s hard to transition into anything. I don’t ha–I don’t know if you’ve noticed anything about my comedy, but there’s– there’s not many transitions. It’s very, like, “Dick, fuck, Dad.” Like, it’s, like, very straightforward, easy-listening comedy. Like, you kn–it’s not the Kendrick Lamar– I’m very French Montana of comedy. Like, after every joke, I should just be like, “Huh!” And you’ll be like, “Aha! I get it.”

So... yeah, my dad, if you don’t know, he was a fireman. He died 9/11. He was a very good dude. Uh, and I have a lot of jokes about it, and if you don’t like the first one, you probably won’t like the rest. What’s cool about your dad dying on 9/11… Is, uh, besides the free parking, is also– 0 for 1, Skirball. That’s not the only good thing about your dad dying; come on. No, the cool thing about my dad dying and being a fireman was, like, now I get all of his fireman gear. So whenever I smoke weed in New York City, I wear it. Yeah, so now people just think I’m a shitty fireman. But I’ll be so high, I’ll forget. Like, people will come up to me and be like, “You’re a fucking disgrace!” And I’ll be like, “You’re a fucking disgrace!” I’ll be like, “Oh, shit, I’m a lieutenant. I forgot. I’m very sorry. Have a good day, ma’am!”

I didn’t really care when my dad died. I, it, it didn’t bother me very much, because I was seven. You don’t understand things when you’re seven, you know? Like, if, if it happened now, I’d be in a world of trouble, but I’m actually– it’s weird to say this, I’m lucky it happened when I was seven. I know that sounds weird, but it’s, uh, it's the real thing. Like, I remember my dad died, and my mom was like, “Your dad’s dead, but we got you a PlayStation 2.” And I was like, “Yeah, cool.” I was like, “That seems about even. That’s pretty fair.” No, I’m serious. I really didn’t care. I was like, “I’m gonna push my mom down the stairs and get a PS3.” I was fucking ridiculous. It’s my new life of murder and toys.

What’s weird is, my grandma on my mom’s side, my mom’s mom, she, uh, her birthday’s on 9/11, and she never liked my dad. Kind of fishy, isn’t it? I always wanted to ask her. I always wanted to be like, “Hey, Grandma, on the low, did you make any wishes?” No, every year my grandma's birthday comes around and she's like "I'm not gonna celebrate it." I'm always like "Why?! Did something happen?!"