Dorming

I, uh, dormed, dormed for– I went to college for a little bit. I dormed. Fucking hated it. Does anybody here dorm? Yeah? You go to NYU? You go here? No, where do you– where do you gals go? Oh, they go to Pace. Whatever. I feel like dorming, for girls, is fun, though. It is–you have fun with your girlies, right? Yeah, ’cause girls could, like, get their periods together and find out who “A” is or whatever. Yeah, there you are. I know what girls do.

I hated dorming. I think–I feel like dorming– like, any guys in here dorm right now? You? What’s up, my man? Where do you dorm?
I– What?
You dorm now?
Yeah.
Where at?
Uh, 23rd.
23rd? So is that a dorm for a school? Yeah. “Where do you go?” “West 23rd and 8th.” For what? For here?
NYU, yeah.
NYU? Oh, that’s what’s up. How many people in your dorm?
Uh... three girls.
Three girls? We don’t have enough time. We don’t have– if we weren’t shooting a special, it would be an hour of just finding out everything about this young man. One of them’s your girlfriend?
Ex-girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend? So dope. You just walk in like a G. Like, “‘Sup, babe?” fucking walk away.

That’s so dope. When I went to college, it was four dudes in a room, like, maybe from, like, here… to here. It was four dudes– it was awful. We would all wake up with boners and look at each other, and we would be like, “This isn’t what I thought college would be at all.” Everybody has to shit. Nobody wants to go first. I fucking hated that. I hated my roommates. I remember one of them found out he had the biggest dick in the dorm. And then all of a sudden, he was making all of the decisions all of a sudden. He was like, “I think we’re gonna go bowling tonight.” I was like, “Oh, all right, Big Dick Brian. You know, whatever. Yeah.” I used to jerk off when they were there. Fuck them. I don’t give a shit. Yeah, fuck them. I won every night. They had no idea. Sick. I was jerking off while they were fucking typing. Awesome. I did it at night. I didn’t do it during the day. I’m not a savage, all right? Yeah, it wasn’t like 4 o'clock, like, “Hey, what‘s up, bro? You ready for study hall?” Like, it was, like, at night. No, I like to help people. This is how you jerk off if you’re sharing a room with somebody. Very simple. You get a very big bag of Doritos. Doesn’t have to be Doritos; I just always go with Doritos. Get a big bag of chips, okay? And then you start crinkling it around with your non-jerking-off hand, right, creating some sort of an ambiance. And then while you’re doing that, you jerk off. Yeah, they cancel each other out. My roommates just thought I had a snack every night. They're like, “Pete eats Doritos every night for, like, a half-hour and doesn’t share ’em with anybody. And then when he’s done eating, he goes, ‘Oh, fuck! Fuck! Oh, fuck, yes! Oh!'”