First Class

First day of college, I had this class, and there was a mentally challenged kid in it. And I have no problem with mentally challenged kids. That would be very weird if I did, like if that was my beef, if I was like, “Peace and love, and fuck mentally challenged kids.” You’d be like, “What’s up with this guy?” The problem I had was, I was also in that class. Yeah, so, like, one thing came to my mind when I saw the kid. And I was first like, “Aw.” Then I was like, “Huh, wait a second." I was like, “Am I mentally chall–" Like, is this– is this how they’re gonna tell me? They’re just gonna throw me in, hope I figure it out? No, I wouldn’t be surprised. I was like, “Maybe I’m, like, one of the better ones, or something. Maybe I’m their leader.” I had no idea.

By the way, I see a lot of people getting sensitive because mentally challenged people are a very sensitive topic. I understand completely. But to make you feel better, I have a mentally challenged cousin, and I asked her if I could do these jokes, and she was like, “Ugh!” so it’s completely fine. She’s very supportive, loves me, okay? She wasn’t like, “Uh.” She was like, “Ugh!” I know the difference. It went up.

I remember I had to sit behind– I had to sit behind this mentally challenged kid. You know? 'Cause we were in alphabetical order and it just so happened– We had the same close last name. I got to sit behind him. And, like, I was like "This is, like karma. This is what I get for cheating on every test in high school." God's like, "Cheat now! Have fun drawing dragons on your test."

I’ll never forget– this is a true story. I'm, like, not that good at comedy. This is, like, a real thing that happened. I'll tell you. We had Movie Day. In college. I’ll tell you–yeah. The teacher wheeled in a cart and was like, “It's Movie Day.” And I was like, “Sick!” And I was like, “Wait, it’s college. Why did–” I’ll never forget this. The teacher picked Forrest Gump, okay? This is a true story, and I'll never forget this. Before he starts the movie, he goes, “All right, class. Who here saw Forrest Gump?” I swear to God the mentally challenged kid just goes, “I did, sir, and that’s my favorite movie.” And I laughed so fucking hard. I laughed so hard, and then I looked around. Nobody else was laughing. Even the mentally challenged kid was like, “Are you fucking serious right now? That's a nice dragon.”

Been, um, trying to smoke less weed. If you are in this front row, I'm sure that's– you know it’s not working out very well. I don't wanna quit. I'm not, like, a pussy. I just wanna smoke, like, at night. I just would like to not be high all the time. It's hard, but I feel like, you know, I can figure it out eventually.

It’s not good–like when you don’t smoke weed for a little bit, like, it’s crazy. Like, you have feelings. You know, like, something’ll happen, and I’ll be like, “Hey, I don’t–I don’t like that.” As opposed to, like, seven years of just being like, “It is what it is. Swag." Or whatever.

I think I smoke weed subconsciously. Like, I don't even know I'm doing it. I'm serious. Like, I think I smoke weed so, like, if I fail, in my head I'll be like "I was high, so what'd you expect?" You know what I mean? But if I accomplish something, I'll be like, "And I was fucking high! Woo!" So it's like this– I always win in my head.