The Letter

Fella wrote his wife a letter—I want you to know this—fella wrote his wife a letter because he had something to say to her he couldn't say to her just right to her face. The letter started, said, "Darling, during the last year, I've tried to seduce you 365 times. I've succeeded 36 times. This is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of reasons why I didn't succeed: We were with the children seven times, it's too hot 15 times, it's too cold five times, too tired 52 times, pretending to sleep 49 times, window open-neighbors might hear 9 times, back aches 16 times, too full 10 times, headache 6 more times, not in the mood 21 times, watched the late show 27 times, company in the next room 25 times, you were too drunk 11 times, have to go to potty 19 times. That's a total of 329 times, and out of the 36 times that I was successful, 6 times you chewed gum all the while, 5 times you watched TV all the while, 18 times you said 'Hurry up and get off', 6 times I had to wake you up and tell you you were through." He said, "Darling, you should try and improve on the coming year. Your loving husband." She wrote him a note right back, she said, "I received your recent letter, it was very interesting, except that your memory and your arithmetic are very bad. During the past year, you have attempted to, as you laughingly put it, seduced me 41 times. You succeeded three times. The following is a list of reasons you did not succeed: Not going limp 4 times, wishful thinking on your part 6 times, pulled up lame at the post 5 times, couldn't find it—not yours, mine 9 times, I fell asleep waiting 7 times. Your loving wife. I'm going back to mother." Thank you very much.