Foxx’s Comedy Stew #2

See, you know, years ago, expectant mothers didn't have the beautiful dresses and frocks that they wear now. When I was a youngster, expectant mothers just left the first three or four buttons unbuttoned on their dress and said, "Go on for yourself." See, but not anymore. See, a guy in New York—a guy in New York designed a frock that an expectant mother could wear, and go to the movies and look good, go dancing, go shopping, and just be beautiful with the bows and the pleats and stuff. And, he designed this frock. Now, all over New York, they have these stores that patronize expectant mothers, and they sell these frocks for them. When you get to New York, you'll see it right away, all the stores, big signs, "Mother frockers, mother frockers, mother frockers", everywhere. I got off the train at Pennsylvania Station and the first things in front of me was a bunch of mother frockers. Now, these are the things you have to notice how new industries start up right here in Los Angeles. We should be happy because we have a champagne factory going up in the next couple of weeks—it'll be finished by the way. And, in order to make champagne, you need four important items: you need the bottle, the label, the champagne, and the cork. And out of these four items, the cork is the most important, because, in order to make the champ—you notice, folks, when you open champagane, it's hard to get the cork out. You pry it, and then when it pops out, it swells right away, and it's so big, you can't get it back in the bottle. That's why you have to drink all the champagne because the cork swells. The cork swells because it's been soaked in a special solution, and the fellas that soak this cork in the solution are called "cork soakers." And the reason why they're opening up the champagne plant here is because we have more cork soakers in Los Angeles than anywhere in the world. And don't forget, folks, in the next two weeks, the mother frockers of New York are coming out here to hold their first convention. They've combined forces with the opening of the champagne factory. They'll get together with the cork soakers of California. And if you wanna get your ticket early and have a ball, do just that—they're ringing the bell right now to get tickets. Come on out, friends, and get together and you'll see a bunch of drunken mother frockers and cork soakers that night. Thank you so much.

It was a guy who went to a house of ill repute. He had both arms in a cast, and both legs in a cast. And he walked up to the door, madam opened the door, she said, "Well, what do you want?" He said, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"

A traveling salesman spent the night on an Indian reservation, and while he was there, he managed to shack up for the night with the chief's daughter. And everything was wonderful except all the while they were in the teepee together, she hollered, "Wahoo! Wahoo! Wahoo!" And the next morning, as the cat was leaving the reservation, the salesman asked an old lady who was standing there at the gate, he said, "Ma'am, what does 'wahoo' mean?" She said, "'Wahoo' means 'wrong hole'."

A lotta new folks here tonight. You've read Little Orphan Annie and Popeye, Lone Ranger, Tarzan, Dick Tracy, all those, you've read 'em and you remember something about 'em. I don't know how Dick Tracy, "Hi ho, Silver", and Superman, I don't know nothin' about how they got started, but I was on the spot when Tarzan got his yell. You're familiar with Tarzan's yell when he conquers something. *yells* Well, see, that started right out here in Hollywood. See, I was out there, they were making this Tarzan picture. And Tarzan was up in a 60-foot tree, holding onto a vine, and Jane was on the ground, running toward Tarzan with some fruit. And she tripped on a crocodile and stumbled and fell, and a leopard jumped out the bush at Jane, and Tarzan was watching all this, and he swung down out the tree, and swung down, he said, "Jane, Jane, grab vine! Gran vine!" And in the excitement, Jane just reached out and Tarzan said, "AAAAAAAAHOOOOOAHHHH!" And that's how he got started.

It was a guy who was walking down the street and two guys dragged him in the alley, and they beat him so bad, they mugged him, had him around the throat, and just whipped him bad. And this guy fought back, he fought, he knocked two of 'em down, he got back up, they knocked him down, choked him some more, stepped on him, kicked him. And then finally, they took his money—67 cent. He said, "Man, you fought this hard for 67 cent?" He said, "No, I thought y'all were after that 500 dollars in my shoe."

There was a couple of scientists on Mars, and they were getting a whole lot of things, they were bringing 'em back to Earth. And one Martian asked him, he said, "Look, how do you have babies?" Guys from America, the American scientists said, "Well, uh, how do you have babies up here?" He said, "Well, we'll show you." And they brought out a beautiful Martian girl with a lot of tentacles hanging down, and they grabbed them together and wrapped their tentacles around each other, and pretty soon, her back opened up and a baby came out—same size and same look, just a baby, pretty tentacles. So the Martian said, "Now I've showed you, show us how you have kids on Earth." So scientist was sorta reluctant, sorta bashful. So he finally called up a pretty girl who just won Miss America contest, runner-up, and she was in the science program, and they laid down on the floor...he got up, freshened up, and Martian said, "My goodness, where's the baby?" Scientist said, "Well, we don't have the baby for nine months, if we're lucky." He said, "Well, why were you hurrying so fast at the end?"

There was two guys, drank wine their entire lives together, and one guy was in the hospital because he had the DDTs and that other stuff that goes with a continuous life of drinking booze, real wino. And his friend come to see him, he was laying there, he was breathing his last few breaths, and his friend knew it. He says, "Is there anything I can do for you? I'm here for you. Anything at all I can do, just ask me." He said, "You know how well I like wine." He said, "If I die, I want you to pour a fifth of wine on my grave every day." He said, "You know I'll pour a fifth of wine on your grave every day." He said, "You don't mind if it pass through my kidney first, do ya?"

There was a husband, he was watching his flat-chested wife put a bra on. He said, "What did you buy that for? You ain't got nothin' to put in it." She said, "Well, you wear Jockey shorts, don't ya?"

Hire the handicapped, hahaha, they're fun to watch. You got to watch them suckers. Might as well laugh out loud because the handicapped talk about you when you pass by, they do. I've heard 'em in the wheelchair say, "You good-walking bastard!" It was a fella out at Disneyland, no kidding, fella out at Disneyland had an epileptic fit and three kids jumped on his back, thought he was a new ride. Threw me off twice.

You know, if they had a Negro vice president, they would never have to worry about assassinations—they'd never assassinate the president, nobody, I don't care who he was. Nobody wants to see a spook in the White House. I didn't carry a knife until last year. I read in a magazine, said, "All Negroes carry knives." I said, "What?! Let me hurry up and buy one." We wouldn't have 'em if Mexicans and Puerto Ricans didn't carry 'em.

The president was flying over the Okefenokee Swamp, and he noticed a Chris Craft with two white fellas in it, pulling two Negroes on water skis, up and down the swamp. And he thought this was just magnificent, Okefenokee, integration, two white fellas pulling two Negroes at the back of a Chris Craft. So he had his helicopter lowered and landed so he could congratulate these two white fellas on the Chris Craft, and he walked aboard and thanked them, great things going down in the south, integration, racial relations. He took off in his helicopter, and the two fellas on the Chris Craft said, "I don't know who that tall fella was, but he sure don't know nothin' about crocodile huntin'." I don't even go down south. They found a Negro in Mississippi with 600 pounds of chains wrapped around his body—found him in the river. The sheriff viewed the remains, he said, "Just like one of them Negroes, steal more chain he could carry."

It's been nice being with you, hope you had some fun out of this. If anyone here in the audience been offended by anything I might have said or done in the course of my trying anything new, I want you to know sincerely from the bottom of my heart, I don't give a shit.