Foxx’s Comedy Stew

Fella once didn't have too much education but he loved to gamble. And after 30 years of gambling, he had him a lucky day—he won five thousand dollars cash. And the next day, he went looking for a car, naturally. And he spied a car that he liked a lot. He asked the salesman, "How much is this car?" The salesman said, "This'll be four thousand dollars." This guy said, "Well, how much would it be if I paid cash." Salesman said, "Well, we'll give you a ten percent discount if you pay cash." Salesman said, "We'll give you ten percent, you can't get that nowhere, ten percent." And this ten percent deal sorta stumped ol' John because he didn't dig these percents and how much he would save or nothin', and not having much education, he couldn't figure it out. So he told the salesman he'd be back after lunch, and he went to have lunch in the cafe, he was sitting there at the counter, so he thought to himself maybe somebody in here could help him. So he called the waitress over, he said, "Hey baby, how are you?" He said, "I'd like to ask you a question"—she was pretty, too—he said, "Listen, if I gave you ten percent of four thousand dollars, what would you take off?" She said, "Everything but my make-up."

Fella met his girlfriend on the street and she acted like she was trying to give him the cold shoulder, and he asked her, he said, "What's the matter, baby?" She said, "Well, who was that lady I saw you with at that sidewalk cafe last night?" He said, "That was my landlady and that was my furniture."

A fella here dropped a wallet containing his entire week's salary, and he asked me to make this announcement. He has a picture of his mother in that wallet with the money, and he wants whoever to found the wallet to know that the picture of his mother don't mean nothin', just bring that money back.

Christmas is wonderful. A guy called me tonight, said, "Foxx, Merry Christmas." He said, "Let me have ten dollars." I said, "What?" He said, "Let me have ten dollars." I said, "I can't hear you." An operator cut in, she said, "Sir, your line is very clear, I can hear you." I said, "Well, you let him have ten dollars."

Then the undertaker's shopping—undertaker walked over to an old fella who was sitting there waiting on some business, walked to the old fella, he said, "How old are you, friend?" Old fella said, "I'll be 98 December the 6th." Undertaker looked at him and said, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Did you hear about the absent-minded professor? He walked in the toilet, unbuttoned his vest and pulled out his tie.

Say, it was some politicians came up here for the convention but come down to Seattle, and one politician told one of the reporters, he said, "Listen, I have to get off at Sacramento because I got to go before the legislature tomorrow. So, now, make sure I get off. If I'm sleep, wake me up and put me off the train. This guy woke up, he was right here in Los Angeles, and he was running up and down the platform down the train station looking for that porter that didn't wake him up. Porter was hiding behind one of those big pillars down there, one of his buddies said, "What are you hiding for? What's this guy running up and down the track mad for?" He said, "He's really mad, but he ain't half as mad as that guy I put off in Sacramento."

A drunk finished his second glass of whiskey, and he looked at the man, he said, "How many fifths of liquor you sell here?" Guy said, "We sell 200 fifths of liquor a week." Drunk said, "Well, I can tell you how you could sell 400 fifths of liquor a week." Man said, "How?" He said, "Fill up the damn glass!"

A fella was getting a divorce from his wife, the judge said, "I'm ashamed of you, you're a disgrace to yourself." He said, "I decided to give your wife 60 dollars a week." Fella said, "That's mighty white of you, judge, and every now and then, I'll try to slip her something."

What the hell difference it make what color the chick you with is when you go home and pull the light out? See, color disappears with the light out. When the light goes out, it becomes a question of, 'who watched'? It was two guys came in here last night, you shoulda been here. One guy said, "I don't want to go in there because when they see I'm pregnant, they'll laugh." The other guy said, "Pregnant? Who's is it?" He said, "How should I know? I don't have no eyes in the back of my head."

Guy went to a prive detective, he said, "Listen, I want you to find me a pretty girl with 500 dollars." The guy said, "I found you a pretty girl yesterday." He said, "Well, you better find her again 'cause she got my 500 dollars."

Say, you know, you read in the newspapers all the time about pilots breaking the sound barrier and flying planes like never before, speeds, never before, or a jet plane send a radio instruction to the tower. "Pilot to tower, pilot to tower, we're over the Pacific, we're out of jet fluid, fuel. We're 200 miles over the ocean and we're flying 42 feet above the water. What should we do?" Tower to pilot, "Repeat after me: Our Father..."

Things were so rough in 1932 for us there in St. Louis, my grandfather called my grandmother, who was in the kitchen cooking one day, he said, "Helen, the garbage man is here." She said, "Well, tell him to leave three cans."

A drunk walked in the men's room one night, and walked to the bartender, he said, "Where the men's room?" Bartender told him, said, "You go behind this hall here and walk straight down the hall and turn left." This drunk went down the hall, instead of turning left he turned right and stepped in the elevator shaft and fell down *wham*. Bartender heard all this noise and rushed down the hall, and he looked down the elevator shaft, and there was this drunk brushing hisself off, he said, "My goodness, don't flush it."

Here's a little question game we can have (The only one?) Quiet, sir. I could shut you up permanently but my zipper's stuck.

This fella in New York, he used to love to scare girls, he loved, he's hiding. He'd hide behind buildings and doors and shock 'em. And he was out in Central Park one day, hiding behind a bush, and it was just about dusk, and a pretty girl who had just left her office decided to take a walk through the park. And she was walking down the lane, and this fella jumped out the bush, he said, "BOO!" She said, "My goodness, don't ever don't that, mister. You almost scared the pants off me!" He said, "BOO, BOO, BOO...BOO, BOO, BOO!" Say, but, isn't that somethin'? BOO BOO!