The Horse Race

While I was out to the track I saw this great race, three great horses and three great jockeys. The favorite horse of the race was Cold Towel, second choice, Pussywillow, and the dark horse of the race, My Dick. Imagine Cold Towel, Pussywillow, and My Dick being let out the stable to pick up the jockeys—three of the greatest jockeys in the world. Up on Pussywillow is jockey O'Carroll, up on Cold Towel is jockey Atkinson, and up on My Dick is jockey Strap. And in a minute this race'll get started, the horses are ready, the jockeys are ready. Now they're leading the horses into the starting gate, and oh, My Dick rise up, we can't get a start right now. And now they're settling My Dick back down, and pretty soon this race'll get underway. Now all three horses standing in the starting gate, the favorite, Cold Towel, standing there like a damp cloth. And Pussywillow is nervous and twitchery. And My Dick looks very cool. And any minute now we can get started, the horses are ready, the jockeys are ready. And now—just a moment, folks, there's something wrong, there's something wrong down on the track, looks like jockey Strap, it is jockey Strap, he's bending way over. I think he must have a cramp, he must've ate before he got ready to ride. Jockey Strap just bent over and fell off My Dick, might have to get another jockey. And here comes another jockey, number 38 in the jockey book, number 38 is, uh, A. Crab will ride my dick in place of jockey Strap. A. Crab up, that's Arthur Crab. Arthur Crab will ride My Dick in place of George Strap. And now A. Crab is up on My Dick looking very good. A. Crab digs in for the start. And any minute we can get started. Ladies and gentlemen, a few things I'd like you to know—the Crab family has produced some of the best riders this country's ever seen. And I know if you've got an ounce of sporting blood in you anywhere, you've seen A. Crab or one of his brothers ride before. They ride exclusively for the Blue Stables. The Blue Stables owned and operated by Mrs. Emilio Ointment. So make that correction, please, make that correction—it's A. Crab riding for Strap, mark that down on your scratch sheet. And any minute now the race'll get started, here comes the judge. As soon as he starts to squeeze his pistol shoots off, this race'll get underway. And now the judge squeezed his pistol shoots off, and there they go. They're off and running. And there they go, taking the lead around the first turn, looks like the favorite Cold Towel by half a link, it is Cold Towel by half a link, Pussywillow is getting fast inside along the rail, and My Dick in a very dangerous position. Still anybody's race, it's Cold Towel, Pussywillow, and My Dick running hard on the inside. Pretty soon we can define—oh, My Dick slipped and fell, and there goes Cold Towel and Pussywillow running neck and neck, I think Pussywillow has a slight edge—Pussywillow, Pussywillow has got a slight edge. Pussywillow is leading by a hair. And, uh—just a moment, folks, just a moment, My Dick has got back up, and now My Dick is back up there, My Dick is running again. My Dick is running, I've never saw My Dick run before, what a race. We're near the finish now, we're coming into the last 200 yards. In around the far turn, it's Cold Towel, Pussywillow, and I think, and My Dick is moving in real fast, and now we can determine the winner's coming around. And there we have it, the winner by a half an inch is (MY DICK)—no, your lips.