Cheating Lovers

Say, it was a fella came home unexpected, and he found his neighbor with his wife, and they were kissing and he killed both of 'em. And he told his friend, he said, "Well, it could be worse, Joe, could be worse." He said, "How could it be worse?" He said, "Two people are dead, two people are dead, and I’m going to the electric chair." He said, "Well, it could be worse 'cause if you woulda came Thursday instead of Friday, you'da got me there."

A guy was in another guy’s home, his wife said, "Did you ever sell vacuum cleaners?" This guy said, "No, I never sold no vacuum cleaners, I never sold any." She said, "Well, you better start trying 'cause here comes my husband up the steps."

These two friends were talking, one friend had just gotten married, and he said to his buddy, "How long you been married?" The groom said, "About six weeks." His friend said, "Well, how you getting along with your love life?" Groom said, "Well, I wanna tell you the truth, it ain't so good. All of a sudden, for no reason at all, my wife cut me down to once a week." His friend said, "Hell, you lucky, it's three cats she cut out altogether."

A phone rang, and a lovely manicured hand reached out the bed to answer it. And the voice on the other end said, "I'll be home a little later, darling. I can't get home right now, I'm spending the evening with Charlie." She said, "That's alright, honey," and hung up the phone. Then she turned over to the guy laying on the couch, and she said, "Everything’s okay, he’s spending the evening with you."

Fella called the doctor, said, "Doc, my son has scarlet fever." Doc said, "I know that, I came by your house and treated him yesterday. Just keep him away from the rest of the people in the house." He said, "But you don't understand, doc, he’s kissed the maid." Doctor said, "Well, that's unfortunate, now we'll have to probably quarantine the maid." He said, "Well, doc, I kissed her myself." He said, "Now, this is getting complicated." He said, "That means, you might've contracted the disease." He said, "But doc, I kissed my wife, too." Doctor said, "Damn it, man, now I got it!"

Fella in Harlem, he walked in his apartment, and there was his wife in bed with a guy, a friend of his. He said, "Look at you, dear. I’ve brought you from the slums over on Lenox, up here on St. Nicholas, on the hill, put you in a fine apartment with thebest furniture, stove, refrigerator, washing machine. And here you are—" he said, "Charlie, least you could do is stop while I'm talking."

See, a husband and a wife, they were laying in the bed, sleep, about four o'clock in the morning, and the wife was dreaming that she was meeting another man. And in her dreams, she could see her husband sneaking up on her with a big bat in his hand. And she screamed, "My husband!" And her husband heard her say "My husband", and he jumped out the window.

Two preachers in my hometown used to ride bicycles to church every Sunday in opposite directions, they'd stop and chat a while before they'd go to church. And one Sunday, one preacher was riding, the other one was walking, and they stopped to talk. He said, "Rev, what happened to your bicycle?" Reverend said, "Well, somebody in my congregation stole my bicycle, and I don't know what to do with it." Reverend said, "Well, look, if you want your bicycle when you go to church this Sunday, all you do is say the Ten Commandments, when you get to the Commandment that says "Thou shalt not steal," ever who stole your bicycle will feel guilty and bring it back to you." And sure enough, both the preachers were riding their bicycles and they stopped to talk, and said, "Rev, I see your got your bike back. Did you do like I told you?" Other reverend said, "Yeah, I did just like you told me. When I got to the Commandment when it says "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I remember where I left my bicycle."

There was a reverend down south, he was getting on the way to his sermon, and he walked up, looked over the congregation, he said, "You know, brothers and sisters, here in my congregation, there's a lotta brothers in the house this morning been messing around with the sisters. And if every brother who's been messing around with the sisters don't put five dollars in the collection, I'ma call his name out." Took up the collection after a little singing and everything, they started counting and they found out the money was 75 five dollar bills, and two singles with a little note pinned on it saying, "We'll bring the other three next Sunday."

Now, another couple of fellas were talking, one of them told the other one, said, "Look, if you want to get a woman that'll be true and honest to you, all you have to do is marry one with brown eyes." This guy said, "I've been married two years, I don't even know what color my wife's eyes are." So he went home and he tip-toed up the steps and sneaked in the bedroom, took his fingers and opened her eyeball up. He looked in there, said, "My God, brown!" And some guy crawled out from under the bed, said, "How you know I was here?"

Willie came home late one night, caught his old lady wrong—he didn't exactly catch her wrong, but, he thought he caught her wrong. And he went to his dresser drawer and took out his straight razor and an old belt that he used to use to strap his razor. His old lady walked over, said, "Willie, what you fixin' to do?" He said, "See them blue suede shoes under the bed? If ain't nobody in 'em, I'm gon' shave."

A fella's wife caught him in bed with a little short midget girl. She said, "You promised me two weeks ago that you wouldn't do this to me." He said, "Well, you can see, darlin', I'm tapering off."

Fella was making love to a girl in a parked car, and a cop came up, put his flashlight on him. He said, "You got a nerve making love here in the park. Don't you know that's against the law? Now come on with me to the station." He went down to the station, next morning went to court. The judge asked what happened, the cop told him what had happened—he found him making love in the car. Cop said, "You know, it's against the law, it's against the law. The judge said, "You know it's against the law to do something like that." He said, "Now, explain this to me, why were you making love to this woman?" He said, "Well, judge, this is my wife." He said, "Case dismissed," and the couple went on their way out the court. And the cop that had arrested him walked over and said, "Hey buddy, come here," he said, "Listen, I didn't know that that was your wife." He said, "I didn't know it either until you shined that flashlight on her."

Tell the tale of two girls in the beauty parlor were talking, one girl said, "Listen, how do you keep your husband from staying out at nights?" She said, "Well, when he comes in late, I call out, 'Is that you, Henry?'" She said, "Well, how does that keep him from staying out late?" She said, "His name is David."

Guy came to work one afternoon, and all his buddies looked at him, he had two black eyes, and said, "Man, what are you doing with two black eyes?" He said, "Well, you know, last night, I was fittin' to go out in the street, and I was getting dressed, and the button fell off my fly, and I'm all thumbs, I don't know how to sew, so I went across the hall to the married lady's house live across the hall from me and asked her would she mind sewing it on. So she sat down in front of me and was so nice and sewed the button on my fly. And just as she leaned down to bite the thread, her husband came in."