Medical Follies Part 1

A lady went to the doctor's office for an examination, and uh, while she was there, her five-year-old boy was just running around the office loose, and he ran in through one of the doors where they kept a lot of medicine and stuff. And the lady was being examined by the doctor, and, she heard all this noise from the next room—bottles falling and everything. And she looked at the doctor, said, "Doc, I hope you don’t mind my five-year-old boy in there playing around, he'll quiet down." Doctor said, "I know he will as soon as he get to them poisons."

There was a little bitty guy about 5'2", he walked in the dentist’s office, little timid fella, he walked in the dentist's office, and the dentist could see that he was nervous. So the dentist reached in his...naw, but, the dentist reached in his one of his shelves and took out some de-natured alcohol and poured this little guy a shot as a stimulant to give him some courage so he could have his teeth worked on. This little guy had one drink, he said, "Give me another one." And he had another one, he said, "One more." And he was tore up then. Dentist said to him, "Do you feel better now? You feel braver?" He said, "You're damn right, and I'd like to see somebody mess with one of my teeth."

A big fat lady walked into the doctor's office yesterday, right over there on La Brea. She weighed at least 326. And the doctor took her in the office to examine her, he sat her down, he said—he just felt, he just looked at her grinning, he said, "Will you open your mouth and say 'moo'?"

Another guy, he went to the psychiatrist's office, you know, he hadn’t been feeling too good around the head, and the doctor’s giving him a picture word test. Doc drew a square, looked at the guy, he said, "Now, what does this remind you of?" This guy said, "A room full of naked women." Doc said, "A room full of naked women?" Doctor drew a circle, he said, "Now, what does this remind you of?" This guy said, "A room full of naked women." Doctor said, "My goodness, you in really bad shape. You know, everything reminds you of a room full of naked women. You have a fixation on sex." He said, "Me with a fixation? Hell, you drawing the dirty picture"

A guy walked in a doctor's office, he said, "Doc, after the first, I’m tired." He said, "And after the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs." He said, "After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes over a half-hour for my heart and my respiration to return to even halfway normal." Doctor said, "Well, why don't you quit after the first?" He said, "Well, doc, I live on the third floor."

A neighbor of mine's baby swallowed a .22 caliber bullet, and so she took him to the doctor and the doctor found out what was wrong, a .22 caliber bullet had been swallowed by this young baby, about four months old. Mother was nervous and excited, she asked the doc, she said, "Doc, what can you do?" Doc said, "Well, only one thing we can do is give him about a half a bottle of this castor oil here and make sure you don't aim him at nobody."

Girl went in the doctor’s office and she had a third examination. Doctor said, "Well, what's your husband's name?" Girl said, "Well, I don't have no husband, doc." Doctor said, "Well, what's your boyfriend's name?" She said, "Well, doc, I don't have no boyfriend either." So the doc went over to the window and raised up the shade, looked up in the sky, she said, "What you doin', doc?" He said, "Last time this happened, the star rose in the east and I don't wanna miss it."

Say, uh, a father of a young lad thought his son was a little off the bean, you know, wasn't quite right upstairs, so he took his son to see a psychiatrist. And the psychiatrist asked the boy some questions to see how he was fit mentally. He said, "How many wheels does an automobile have?" Little boy said, "Four." He said, "And, what is it that a cow has four of that a woman has two of?" Little boy said, "Legs." He said, "What does your father have that your mother likes most?" Little boy said, "Money." The psychiatrist looked at the father and said, "You have a smart boy here." Father said, "I guess so, I missed the last question myself."

A guy was having difficulty getting to sleep and went to a psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist told him, he said, "Well, if you're having difficulty, it's all mental. See, when you go home, you lay down and relax completely and say to yourself over and over, "Toes, go to sleep; feet, go to sleep; legs, go to sleep; and so on, all the way up your whole body and you will sleep." This guy went home, he laid down, started and used the doctor's formula, he said, "Toes, go to sleep; feet, go to sleep; legs, go to sleep." And just as he reached his neck, his wife walked in in one of those flimsy negligees and you could see clear through it. He start patting himself all over, saying, "Wake up, everybody! Wake up! Wake up!"