Sexual Innuendos

Say, you know, the police in Chicago—I was in Chicago four months ago and I was standing by the squad car—a friend of mine, Candy Lip—and I was standing by the car, a lady had called the police station, and she was excited. She said, "Officer, I caught a sex maniac in my bedroom. I want y'all to send somebody around here in the morning and pick him up."

Had you heard about the lady, went to a furniture store, told the manager, "I want to see something in a sexual couch." The salesman said, "What? A sexual couch?" He said, "Do you perhaps mean a sectional couch." She said, "No, no, I'm sure my interior decorator told me I should have a sexual couch for an occasional piece in the living room."

This collector came to this lady's house and said, "How about the next installment on that couch." She said, "Well, that's better than having to give you some money."

And everything in Texas is big. I was down in Houston, and I found out that they have a lady sheriff in Texas—they had a lady sheriff in Texas. Had the biggest posse in America. No, that's a fact. I went down there through Texas, fella was telling me about this lady sheriff's posse, and I didn't believe him. So I went by the museum in Houston, outside the Alamo, and they got pictures of her posse. Now, I've seen some posses in my time, but she had the biggest posse I've ever seen in my life! No, really.

Did you ever stop and think, if the pilgrims had shot bobcats instead of turkeys that we'd be eating pussy on Thanksgiving.

Listen, I wanna show you how you can make a story out of a sentence by leaving one word off each time.
Here's the sentence:
Oh, George, let's not park here.
Oh, George, let's not park.
Oh, George, let's not.
Oh, George, lets.
Oh, George!
Oh!

There's a fella told his wife, he said, "Look, baby, you know, you're getting kinda big now. You weight 270-something." He said, "You're getting kinda big, you better diet." She said, "Well, what color is it now?"

This lady went downtown and she was shopping, and she happened to pass by one of those nice little shoe-shine parlors and she climbed on the shoe-shine stand, and sat there on the stand, and shoe-shine boy bent over to pick up his polish and he happened to look straight ahead. And, he couldn't hold it any longer, he had to say what he felt, he said, "Miss, I could eat that full of ice cream." And, she smacked his face so hard, and she went home and told her husband about this shoe-shine boy, said, "Honey, I'ma tell you the truth, I went downtown, and I climbed up on the shoe-shine stand, and this shoe-shine boy leaned down to pick up his polish and looked up and said 'I could eat that full of ice cream.'" She said, "I want you to go down there and whip him." Her husband said, "Look, there's three reasons why I'm going down—in the first place, you ain't have no business downtown; in the second place, the shoe-shine boy might knock me out; and in the third place, ain't nobody could eat that much ice cream."