Animal Tales

Once, it was a couple, they were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, and they had three sons. And the first son gave his parents a Cadillac, he was doing good. And the second son gave his mom a mink coat. And the third son sent a ten thousand dollar parakeet to the house. And he didn't show up hisself, but about three days later, he showed up, and he said, "Well, mom, did you get the parakeet that I sent you?"
She said, "Yes, we cooked it today," said, "but it was kinda small to go around." He said, "Listen, you mean to tell me you cooked a ten thousand dollar parakeet that could speak nine languages?" His mama said, "Well, he didn't say nothin'"

Guy walked in a bar in Baltimore, he walked in the bar and the bartender leaned over, he was wiping glasses, he looked at this wino, he said, "Hey buddy, you can't come in here with no animals because I got a dog in here, eat anything come in here up, a big strong boxer." He said, "Now, go on out with your animal before you get him tore up." The wino said, "Don't worry about me, pal, and don't worry about my animal because he'll look out for hisself." And just then, the bartender's dog broke bad, he jumped from behind the counter and charged this wino's animal, this wino's animal opened his mouth and bit this boxer's head off at the neck. The bartender looked over the bar, he said, "Man, what kinda animal you got there?" The wino said, "I don't know, but, before I cut his tail off and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."

Guy went home one night and he told his wife, he said, "Baby, I just bought a skunk." She said, "Well, where you gon' keep him?" He said, "Under the bed." She said, "Well, what about that smell?" He said, "Aw hell, let him get used to it like I did."

There was an old ugly broad, got on the bus today, big ol' fat broad, weighed about 240, shoulda had on four girdles. She looked at the bus driver, she had this dog under her coat. Bus driver said, "You can't get on this bus with no dog." She said, "Well, you know what you can do with your old bus." He said, "Yeah, and if you do the same thing with that dog, you can ride."

Once, a lady bought a live rabbit, you know, and she was taking it home to her kids, and it was snowing in Chicago, it was winter time, she was taking this rabbit home, and she slipped in the snow and dropped the rabbit and fell on him and the rabbit was killed. She looked at the rabbit and saw the rabbit was dead, and she sat there and cried and a drunk came along, he said, "Miss, don't cry, don't cry. Oh, why you gon' cry? Look at it, it wasn't gon' live, it was gon' be an idiot, look at them ears."

There was a guy—this is a true story, there was a guy who used to have a lot of fun, he used to go in down, this was during the wild west days, And he rolled into town one time like he usually did every Saturday night, and he'd go in the saloon and he'd get drunk. And one night, his friends, all his friends had saw him drinking, got drunk, so they decided to play a trick on him. So, they went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around, so they figured when he got outside drunk, they'd put him on there and he'd get on home best way he could. So he got drunk and he staggered outside and went and got up on his horse, and next morning, when he woke up, he said, "My goodness", and his wife said, "What's the matter, dear? Don't you feel alright?" He said, "Yeah, but I sure had a tough time getting home last night." He said, "Some son of a gun cut my horse's head off and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger sticking in his windpipe."

It seems that the Lord, when he was making the world, he called man aside, and He said, "Look, I'ma give you 20 years of sex life." The man was horrified, because he didn't think that was enough, but the Creator, he didn't budge. Then he called on the monkey and gave the monkey 20 years. The monkey said, "I don't need 20 years." So, man said, "Well, give me those other ten." Lord said, "Alright then." Then the Lord called on the lion and gave him 20 years. Lion said, "Well, I don't need 20, just give me ten." So, man said, "Well, give me them other ten, Lord." Lord said, "Well, okay then, you can have 'em." And then the Lord called on the donkey and gave him 20 years like he gave the rest of 'em. Donkey said, "Well, just give me ten, that'll be sufficient for me, Lord, I couldn't stand no more than ten." So, man said, "Well, give me them other ten, I'll take 'em." Man felt good. And this explains why that for 20 years, man has a normal sex life, then he has ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lying about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

This lady went in the market, said, "Bring me a Long Island duck." Butcher gave her a duck and she stuck her finger in the duck, and smelled it, she said, "Man, this is a Michigan duck." Butcher gave her another duck, so she stuck her finger in there, and *sniff sniff*, she said, "Man, this is a Nebraska duck." Gave her another duck, and she stuck her finger in, and she said, *sniff sniff* "Now, this is a Long Island duck." She said, "You must new here, aren't you, butcher?" He said, "Yes, ma'am, I started yesterday." She said, "Well, where are you from?" Butcher lowered his pants and bent over and said, "You tell me."

There's a fella's wife, couldn't sleep too good at night, so doctor suggested that maybe the sound of a canary singing would help her go to sleep. So this guy went down to the pet shop and got a canary, brought it home, put it in a cage, fed it nice, water. At night, the bird started singing, **brr, brr** beautiful singing. The wife dozed off, went to sleep for the first time in over seven weeks, first time she really slept sound in seven weeks as the canary was singing. This guy got up and looked at the canary, and he noticed he was so happy that the canary had sung his wife to sleep. He wanted to do something. He picked the canary up and noticed he had one leg. And this guy got the canary gathered up, and put him in the cage and rushed back to the pet store. He said, "Look here, man, this canary got one leg." Guy said, "Well, what you want, a singer or a dancer?"

Fella invited a girl to a lamb dinner. She said, "What is a lamb dinner?" He said, "That's six martinis and a piece of ewe." Thank you, darling—there's a lady who knows what—that's E-W-E.

You know, it's a lady, old, sort of an old lady, she was cooking in the kitchen and she dropped her glasses in the garbage can and couldn't find it, 'cause after they fell off her eyes, she was lost. And she was making some soup, and she reached up on the shelf, instead of getting the barley, she grabbed some BB, and poured these BB's in the soup. And after it got done, she sat down and had her a big bowl full of this BB soup. And that night, that night, she stooped over to pour some milk in her cat's bowl and shot him through the heart. Thank you very much. Thank you, friends. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. There's our number again.