You Might Be A Trekkie (live at MarsCon 2006)

(Luke Ski speaks in a southern accent)
Yeeee-Hooo! How y'all doin’ out there tonight? Make some noise, c'mon! (audience cheers) All right! How many "Star Trek" fans we got out there tonight? (audience cheers) Me too, I like "Star Trek", although I wouldn't exactly consider myself to be a Trekker, or a Trekkie. A lot of people ask me "Well, what’s the difference between a Trekker and a Trekkie"? Well best I can tell, a Trekker is a "Star Trek" fan, and a Trekkie is someone who insists that you should be calling them a 'Trekker'. So... You groan now, but you'll be telling it to your friends tomorrow, I guarantee it. But nowadays, being a 'Trekkie' ain't just about "Star Trek", Hell no! Now, not only so you have to be into Star Trek, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise, but also Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack Of the Clones, Revenge Of The Sith, Babylon Five, Farscape, Lost In Space, Hercules, Xena, comic books, action figures, role playing games, Hell, it's Fan-delirium out there! So now there’s a lot of people walking around who just don’t know if they're a Trekkie or not. So, I came up with this little test to help them out. Things like, uh...
If you’ve ever showed up for jury duty in a Starfleet uniform... You might be a Trekkie
If you consider foam latex, spirit gum, and chain mail a business expense... You might be a Trekkie
If you claim to be the alien clone love child of Mulder and Scully.... And that's next week on Jerry Springer, by the way... You might be a Trekkie
If you've ever woken up on a Sunday afternoon, in full costume, in a hotel lobby, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand... Well in that case you might be a Klingon, but uh, we won't get into that right now
If you have a summer home in Roswell... You might be a Trekkie
If your eight year old owns less toys than you do... You might be a Trekkie
If you ever mugged someone for their Magic cards... You might be a Trekkie
If your dice have more sides than a Denny’s Menu... You might be a Trekkie
If you go to the Renaissance Festival, and they won't let you leave... You might be a Trekkie
If George Lucas asks you to proof read his scripts for continuity errors... (Luke Ski speaks in a higher-pitched southern accent, pretending to speak on the phone) Yeah, George, here on page 81, I just don't think Yoda would tell Obi-Wan to 'Get Jiggy Wit It'... And you're not serious about putting that Jar Jar character in there are you? You are? Well, you're the boss. GIT 'ER DONE! (back to previous voice)... You might be a Trekkie
If you have ever attempted the Jedi Mind Trick at the drive-thru window... (Luke Ski switches back and forth between voices)
Beavis: That'll be $13.27 sir
Obi-Wan: You won't be charging me for this food
Beavis: I won't be charging you for this food
Obi-Wan: And you won't skimp on the french fries
Beavis: I won't skimp on the french fries
Obi-Wan: And you'll give me all 32 of the collectible Star Wars toys at once
Beavis: I...
Obi-Wan: Thank you, drive thru
Beavis: Thank you, drive thru! Heh hmm heh, thank you drive thru!
Or, if you've ever had the Jedi Mind trick attempted on YOU at the drive-thru window, like this...
Watto: That'll be $13.27 sir
Qui-Gon: These gift certificates will be fine
Watto: No, they won't
Qui-Gon: These gift certificates WILL be fine
Watto: NO, they WON'T! Who do you think you are waving your hand around, Ronald McDonald? Get the Hell out of here!
...You might be a Trekkie
If you ever tried to talk your way out of a speeding ticket by explaining to the officer that you're just an illusion created by the Matrix... (Luke Ski does Keanu voice) But officer, I had to keep driving faster than 50 miles an hour or my car would explode... You might be a most EXCELLENT Trekkie!
If any of your pets or children are named after Joss Whedon characters... Who made a mess on the carpet?! Kaylee Winnifred Summers! You better clean up after your dog right now! Bad dog! Numfar, do the dance of sadness! (Luke Ski dances like a dog doing the dance of sadness)... You might be a Trekkie
If you ever set up a pup tent at 3 AM in front of Toys R Us... Those wave 13 Wookiees are mine!... You might be a Trekkie
If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as the Duras Sisters... You might be a Trekkie
If going to your room involves descending below ground level... You might be a Trekkie
If you ever got drunk at a party, put a lampshade on your head, and walked around going "Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"... You might be a Trekkie
If you claim to be the eleventh incarnation of Doctor Who... You might be a Trekkie
If the bingo caller yells "B-5" and you say, "Shoot! I forgot to set my TiVo!"... You might be a Trekkie
If you ever had your girlfriend dress up as Xena, or your boyfriend dress up as Gabrielle... You might be a Trekkie
And finally, if Leonard Nimoy has ever said a sentence that contained both your name and the phrase "restraining order", you just might be a Trekkie!
Thank you very much! Live long and perspire, y'all!