Stealing Like A Hobbit

(Spoken, like beginning of "Lose Yourself":)
Look… If you had… One Ring… To find them…
One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them…
Would you rule them all?… Or go see "Harry Potter" instead?

(Closet Verse 1)
Have you ever been angered while sent on a dangerous quest?
I have, 'cause of this ring hangin' on a chain on my chest
Saturday, was sent on my way, Gandalf the Grey
Said get away, to the fires of Mount Doom, no delay
All this medieval upheaval has led to evil retrieval
Hid from Souron the moron, a weasel once known as Smeagol
Running from Uruk-hai and Wraiths, by now you all know the story
With Saruman in Isengard, and his Play Doh Orc factory
Gory! Men, elves, and dwarfs, listen to them yell and them shout
Now we're the Fellowship, but they'll never mellow me out
Make no mistake. It's prob'bly too much for you to take
Ain't it Gollum? I'm-a show you I'm a hard Hobbit to break!

(Closet Chorus 1)
I'm sorry Gollum
I never meant to hurt you
But you can kiss that ring bye-bye
'Cause tonight, I'm stealing like a Hobbit
One more time, I said
I'm sorry Gollum
I never meant to hurt you
But you can kiss that ring bye-bye
'Cause tonight, I'm stealing like a Hobbit
Ha!

(Closet Verse 2)
The whole survival of everyone in Middle Earth's the burden I'm Tolkien
You think it's easy? What kind of pipe-weed you smokin'?
Man, I'm not jokin'. I'll take you back a year or sixty
Before I ever had a multi-disc extend-DVD
You were a creature feature, live to rant and rave in a cave
My Baggins Uncle snatched the ring you love and crave, he's so brave
Then he split. Now he's retired, and as he kissed me goodbye
Dropped the ring, and stuck me starin' at that big evil eye
I'm going crazy, ever since I started leaving the Shire
Because of this stupid ring, the forests were set on fire
'n all the men again will die some more all for Gondor in Boromir's war
But he's only human. He went mad enough for Mordor to score
What he did was stupid, a dumb deadly scam
But the smartest thing I did was take off on my own, 'cept for Sam
'Cause he'd-a killed us, they all would have just gone nuts you see?
It's our quest, just me and Sam, this Goonie's good 'nuff for me!

(Closet Chorus 2)
I'm sorry Gollum
I never meant to hurt you
But you can kiss that ring bye-bye
'Cause tonight, I'm stealing like a Hobbit
One more time, I said
I'm sorry Gollum
I never meant to hurt you
But you can kiss that ring bye-bye
'Cause tonight, I'm stealing like a Hobbit
Huh!

(Stan Verse 2.5)
(Spoken, as Samwise Gangee, like letter readings from "Stan")
Dear Mr. Frodo, just writing you this letter while you were nappin'
It's been a long tale since our furry feet have got to steppin'
You know that series of books that were later made into some movies?
About a little guy who went on a mission against evil? Man it was groovy!
He had this thing that would make him invisible whenever he'd wanta?
And an old wizard mentor, you know, that kid, Harry Potter?
That's kinda how this is. They'll sing songs about us across the land
Just you and me, hit me back, your biggest fan, this is Sam

(Stan Chorus 2.5)
(Sung as Arwen, female vocalist)
The elves gone home, I'm wondering why…
I left Rivendell at all
The undying lands are where I'm living…
So I'll be immortal
I think of my lost love, who'll be king one day
When I see my pendant's gone
It reminds me
That the road goes ever on and on…

(Closet Verse 3)
Now I would never have believed all that's gone down on this mission
You don't need a magician to see all the facts in this fiction
Aragorn and Arwen are kissin', while Merry and Pippin
Are hitchin' rides on a treetop. Sam's dissin' you with suspicion, hissin'
I really gotta pee, can we please have intermission? But no
We watch you go fishin', wishin' for plot exposition
This whole time I told Samwise that I pity you, "So sad ain't he?"
Now I obsess, and I regress. I'm getting slim and so shady! Save me!
Maybe the reason the ring's turning me into you
'So with my actin' Peter Jackson wins an Oscar or two?
But guess what? Ten thousand Orcs versus some dorks in a castle
You better call some elves to help you reinforce in this battle
And Legolas is so slick now, such an excellent smelter
Like if Tony Hawk was starring in "The Legend Of Zelda". (thwip!-Gaaahh!)
Keepin' score with the dwarf, Gimli has tossed in his brawn
Look east at dawn, the Riders killed tons of Orcs on the lawn
Can't believe Bilbo left me to go on this horrible trek!
You selfish peck! I hope you're eaten by an ogre named Shrek!
Will I prevail and survive, or will some spider get me?
I don't know, I haven't read, through book two and book three!

(Closet Chorus 3)
I'm sorry Gollum
I never meant to hurt you
But you can kiss that ring bye-bye
'Cause tonight, I'm stealing like a Hobbit
One more time,…

(Spoken bit: Gollum attacks Frodo, takes ring back)

…I said, I'm sorry Gollum

Gollum: Philthy little thieves!

I never meant to hurt you

Gollum: It's ours and we wants it! (Gollum grunts as he tries to take the ring)

But you can kiss that-

Frodo: Hey! Gollum! Get off me, man! Hey! Hey, give that back!

Gollum: Aaah!!! I gots the precious!!! I gots it!

(Lose Chorus 3.5)
(As Gollum)
You gotta rule them all with the precious, the precious, the precious
You better never lets it go!
You only gets one ring, the thing that you've gots to know
This Gollum looney me wants the precious precious!
You better rule them all with the precious, the precious, the precious
You better never lets it go!
You only gets one ring, the thing that you've gots to know
This Gollum looney me wants the precious precious!
You better…

(Spoken bit, Frodo takes the ring back, Gollum screams and moans as song fades out)

Frodo: Gimmie that thing back! It's mine! Ha! Lets go

Gollum: Noooo!!! The precious!!! You philthy little tricksy Hobbitsses!!! You stole the precious!!!