You Can’t Get Bitter

My old girl... thanks for bringing her up, dude. My girlfriend left me, man. It's hard to believe. You know what's weird? She said she loved me, but when she left, she took the TV, the bed and the VCR. Guess when, uh, we were at home and she was saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you," I was standing in front of either the TV, the bed or the VCR. Like an idiot, I thought... "I love you, you big 19-incher." Thanks, honey. So she can't add *sniffs*. I comе home, the Toshiba's gone. It's okay that shе left, dude. I don't care. What am I gonna do, get bitter?

You know what? You can't get bitter, man... just because someone tells you they love you, then they leave. You gotta- you gotta think that it's a reason that it happened. And you gotta look on the bright side and you gotta move on, right? Right? *female audience members: "Wrong."* *male audience members: "Yep, yeah, sure." Yeah, sure, yeah, right, yeah, Bill, whatever. Get to the fucking point. No... I'm not gonna get to the point. I'm gonna sit here and ramble into this fucking wall.

On the bright side, I'm glad she left. 'cause you know what? It helped my career. 'cause I'm driven now. I'm driven by a fantasy that one day this girl who I loved more than anything in the world and she said she loved me, then left... One day, she's gonna be living someday in a trailer park somewhere in Alabama... living with this ex-welder: 600 pounds, fur all over his back, drinks warm beer, farts, belches, beats the kids, watches the Dukes of Hazzard every fucking night... and has to have it explained to him. She's gonna have nine naked little kids with rickets that bring home dead animals from the side of the road for them to eat at night. Burrs in their hair, mud on their face, rats laying babies in their ears at night. One night, that welder's gonna be making love to her and he's gonna be on top and suddenly his heart's gonna explode and she's gonna be trapped under 600 pounds of flaccid fish-belly cellulite... shifting like the tides of the ocean as blood, phlegm and bile pours out of his mouth and nose... into her face. And just before she drowns in that tepid puddle of afterbirth... she's gonna turn to the Tonight Show and I'm gonna be on it.

So you see I'm not bitter.