Australia

Now that I've been traveling a lot, and where have I been? Interesting places. Uh, I was in Australia. That was interesting. Anyone here ever been to Australia? *one audience member whistles* One... one... squeaking human over here. Some marsupial of some kind.

Australia's really interesting. Uh, I didn't know anything about it. But dig this, man. First of all, it's as big as the United States is, geographically. Seriously, as big as the US. Picture that. With as few people living there... as are in this room right now. Lotta leg room down under. Apartments - a dollar a month. 2,000 acre den, picture that. Would hate to vacuum, but, fuck, think of the parties.

But anyway, the Australians, I found out - this is interesting - were the, uh, criminal- criminal class of Great Britain and the Brits, in order to punish them, sent them to Australia. Their own prehistoric, Eden-like island continent. Bummer. Boy, you don't want to get on the wrong side of the Brits. They'll fuck you GOOD, Jack.

What do you wanna bet the crime rate really soared in Great Britain when people figured out where they were gonna be sent to, you know? "Let me get this straight. You keep the shitty weather and the shitty food. And we get the Great Barrier Reef and lobsters the size of canoes. I'm Jack the Ripper." "No, I'm Jack the Ripper. "I'm Jack the Ripper." "I'm Jack the Ripper." "We're all Jack the fucking Ripper. Where's the boat?" *mimics ship horn* That's me going over the horizon. *mimics ship horn* It is down under. But uh... You'd just see two Australians surfing the Great Barrier Reef. "What were you, mate? I was a murderer!" "I was a thief!" "Alright! Hope we're not paroled!"