A Question for the Ladies

Can I ask y'all a question real quick? It's crude, I warn you up front, but there is a reason I'm asking. It's not done gratuitously, alright? I'll do that stuff in a minute. Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? That's the nicest way I can say that. Did you hear the question? I see a lot of guys on dates've got their fingers crossed here tonight. "Well, it better not be true."

The reason I ask - I was with this woman one time. She goes down here for like three seconds and starts coming back up. And I'm going, "Uh-uh... uh-uh... Unless you're getting up to put ice in your mouth..." Anyway, without getting graphic, she actually said to me, "I think you've had enough." "Really? Well, I think... you're gonna KNOW when I've had enough." Yeah, pretty definite ending to this. Fairly cut and dry.

Anyway, that blew my mind and that's all it blew, so I've been inquiring from audiences why you ladies don't like to do that to your guys. I cannot conceive of one reason why you don't make that your advocation while here on this planet. Why don't you wanna do that all the time to your guy? I don't understand. I actually had a woman last show go, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, "Yeah... Almost broke my back." It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae's gonna be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory of mine and a fervent prayer! That's great. And all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about right now. I think he's a devil child!" Yeah, that may be true, but guys... you know what the fuck I'm talking about. Guys, if you could blow yourselves... ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now... watching an empty stage. I hope I don't seem shallow.

But anyway, I asked the woman who said that, "You ever try it?" I said, "Well, let me ask you something. Why don't you like doing that to your guy?" She goes, "Because it's disgusting." Well, that's a tad harsh. And also, I might add, a double standard. 'cause you know what? I have never heard you ladies say it's disgusting... when we're down between YOUR legs... gnawing away. "Oh, this is so gross. I'm gonna throw up. Oh, don't put your finger in my- oh, that's rude!" I've never heard that before. Guys, you ever heard that? Ever? Yeah, weird, me either, huh... Then again, maybe I can't hear it 'cause your thighs are clamped...

Boy, my folks are proud of me. "Bill, honey, you still doing that pussy-eating sketch in your act?" "You betcha, Mama!" "I wish your grandmother was still alive to see you do that... pussy-eating skit, honey. That is so funny. Your glasses going which way. Your grandma and grandpa would've loved that piece! That comedy journey! Under the [???] Cunnilingus skit!" "Thanks, mom." "No biggie, honey!"