Intro / Smokers vs. Drinkers

How you doing tonight? Interpreter? I'm doing pretty good. Uh, been on the road doing comedy now for 10 years, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. I'm teasing, it's magic every show.

Now, a lot of you non-smokers are drinkers. I'm a non-drinker and a smoker. To me, we're trading off vices. That seems fair to me. Not to you, does it? Mmm-mmm! Mm-mmm! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! "We don't care whether you drink. Why should our lives be threatened by your nasty habit?" Yeah, but you know what? I can't kill anybody in a car 'cause I'm smoking a cigarette. Okay? And I've tried. Turn off all the lights, rush 'em. They always see the glow. "Man, there's a big firefly heading this way." "Shit, it's knocking over shrubs!" "God damn, it just hit a MAILBOX!"

Now you're going, "Bill, who are you trying to kill in your car?" That's another story entirely.