Toddler Mail

But I get a lot of letters from toddlers. And, uh... You want me to answer some toddler mail? Well, if you don't wanna hear toddler mail, we're gonna answer it.

Dear Larry,
I love you. Do you like yogurt? My mom said you're a redneck. What's that mean?

Dear yogurt-eating toddler,
I love you and all toddlers. I love yogurt. My favorite's vanilla with a shitload of sprinkles. Tell your mom to quit calling me a redneck or I'm gonna kick her ass.

Dear Cable Man,
My name is Willie. My mama got a hooty-hoo tattoo on her tits. She's... really fat. Have you еver eaten bugs?

Dеar Bug-Eating Willie the Toddler,
Your fat mom done good in getting them hooty-hoo tattoos. How big is the hooty and how big is the hoo? I never ate no bug, but Doris Klepper said she'd show me her panties if I'd eat a worm. P.S. Worms is good eating.

Dear Mr. Larry Man,
I think you're funny. I love you. Do you have pimples? Do you like cats? Who's your favorite race car driver? Why do you like girls? Does your toilet ever overflow?

Dear question-asking toddler,
No. No. Dick Trickle. Big tits. And many times. That's right.

Dear Larry,
My name is Hadji Abu. I'm six years old. My dad don't like you. He says you don't like us 'cause we from India. But I love you.

Dear Toddler Abu,
Your towelhead dad don't know facts. I love all folk. There's just some folk that should learn English. You know English. Why can't your whiny ball-bag dot-head dad learn it? I love you, Hadji and pray for you and wish you the best. I have enclosed for you an American sucker Blow Pop that I got at the Carrot-in-the-Butt parade.

Dear Larry,
My mom's farts stink. What should I do?

Dear tortured toddler,
Farting mom... That girl laughed good. Farting moms is common among all toddlers. But if it gets real bad, sneak in her room and put window caulk in her butt.