Martians Got a Thing for Redneck Fellers

Anybody got a computer? That's a waste of money. I might as well've bought an eighteen-hundred dollar deck of cards. All I do is play solitaire on that thing. Then my buddy, he goes, 'Yeah, you can get dirty pictures on the Internet.' Pfft. Takes me an hour to get a dirty picture on there. It's so slow. I could've went to the bookstore and come back with a whole bunch of dirty books... with a whole bunch of dirty pictures. There I sit like a jackass, you know... 2:30 in the morning, naked on a folding chair... you know? Dang... Trying to get orientalwhore.com on the Internеt. Man, it's embarrassing. They finally throwed mе out of the Kinko's about four o'clock in the morning down there. (laughs) They had it with me! Git-R-Done! (laughs) Git-R-Done!

I've been sponsoring one of them starving folks down there. That's a crock of garbage. It's a ripoff, man! I've been doing that for two years. I get a letter in the mail the other day, alright? The kid that I got busted up a bunch of stuff and I gotta pay for the damages. You believe that? Seven million pygmies, I got the gang member. Ridiculous. I'd have flyed down there and stick my foot up ol' Booba Boobla's ass, is what I ought to do! Now I gotta fly down there, parent-teacher conferences. (laughs) What in the world am I gonna say down there? (laughs) 'How y'all doing?' 'Blu-blu-blu-blu-blub!' (laughs) 'Get out of here before we get trampled by wildebeest!' It's embarrassing. People come over to the house, 'Hey, who's that portrait up there?' 'Oh, that's me and my wife there, and there's my kids and... that's Boobla Boobla right there. He's about half-worthless.'

They can't get along in the military no more. That's irritating, everybody fighting. If I was president, I'd tell you what I'd do. Everybody needs to train separate. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? I mean, God love- I love all folks. I don't care if you... if a female in there, I don't care if you're gay in there, queer in there, I don't care if you're a feller in there, it's no big deal, but get along! Here's what they ought to do: they ought to train separate and fight together. You know what I mean?

War break out. You send the fellers in there, kick some tail. Every 28 days, send in a platoon of pissed off women in there to kick ass. Know what I'm saying? Then when it's all over with, send in the gay fellers to clean everything up and put curtains everywhere. That's how it is right there! That's right. Git-R-Done! That's right! That's... that's a military working together right there!

I just get irritated at that stuff, all this health food stuff. Let me tell you something. My daddy drank, smoked cigars, cigarettes and ate gravy on everything but boobs, alright? And he lived a happy 47 years, so don't give me all this... health food stuff. My brother was a vegetarian and that killed him. He got hit by a carrot truck last Thursday out on the street back there. Git-R-Done. That's right.

But I get irritated. People suing cigarette companies 'cause they getting sick. Well, dadgum! I'm gonna sue Hustler Magazine for giving my wrists carpal tunnel, how's that sound? (laughs) Git-R-Done! Same thing right there!

I was watching the Wheel of Fortune. That's something else. You know what they ought to do? They ought to have the Wheel of Fortune- I wonder if they got that in China. That'd be a long game of Wheel of Fortune over there. China, they got 900 letters in the alphabet over there. Poor fella sitting up there, sweating, hollering out letters. 'Uh, y'all got an upside down house with a goat in it?' Man.

They always talk about the Martians. 'We wanna communicate with the Martians! They smarter than we is! We need to know what's going on!' And all's they ever do is pick somebody up and butt-diddle them and drop 'em back off somewhere. You know what I mean? 'You went with the Martians? What happened?' 'Well, let's see, I went on the thing there and they ripped my pants off me, stuck something up my butt, and... dropped me off at the 7-11 over there.' Sounds like a bunch of little green perverts, if you ask me! And if I was a Martian, I'd be smarter than them! I'd be, dadgum, probing one of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders or something! You know, not DeWayne from the Ozarks! You know? Them Martians got a thing for redneck fellers.