Keep the Chips Fresh

But they's a lot of kinky women in there, too. I tell you. That's something I could never understand. One girl wanted me to put on nipple clips. Ain't that sick? Disgusting, perverted nipple clips. And I told her, I said, 'Aunt Donna!' Now why in the heck... (laughs)

No, I did, one time, put on these nipple clips. Heard that the girls think it's sexy, so I was trying to horn this girl up. I come out the bathroom, clips on my nipples, you know? She's like, 'What are you doing? Them are supposed to keep the chips fresh!'

I never did like all thеm piercings anyway. You know? I was with this girl one time that had dadgum... ninе earrings in this ear and dadgum... seven earrings in that ear and dadgum... ring in her eyebrow and dadgum... ring in her nose and dadgum... ring in her lip and dadgum... bolt in her tongue... Dadgum! It was like making love to her and working on my truck at the same time with that girl right there. Didn't know if I should kiss her or adjust the torque in her buttcrack there. I didn't know what to do!

And my sister, she's a big ol' fat girl up there. And, uh... I ain't kidding ya. I had to hire a rodeo clown to distract her when I brung home the groceries. Git-R-Done, that's right! I mean, she's big! She's big. Her gynecologist wears a hard hat, alright? I ain't kidding ya, that's big!

But she got a belly ring. You believe that? You don't get a belly ring if you're big! You get onion rings! (laughs) Git-R-Done! Nah... That's right! I mean, it looked ridiculous, a belly ring on a big woman. That's like wiping before you poop, it don't make no sense sometimes! Do something like that. I didn't know what it was. She come walking in, she's like, 'What do you think of that right there?' I'm like, 'Hey, you got a hitch! (laughs) Yeah, now we can pull you away from the buffet every now and then right there. About time you done something, you know?

I was with this girl one time and we was drunk, naked in the tub... over at the neighbor's. And, uh... she goes, 'I want you to shave me.' I was like, 'Boyoyoyoyoyo- (laughs) What!?' You know? Git-R-Done! You know? She's like, 'Shave it up.' I'm like, 'Damn,' you know? So I'm shaving her back in the tub there... and, uh... yeah. And, uh, yeah, we get out the tub. Man, she goes, 'Put some whipped cream on me and some chocolatey sauces.' I was like, 'What in the world? I wanna get lucky, not make a sundae! You know? I might as well go to Dairy Queen and play with myself.' (laughs) That's funny! I don't play with myself. (laughs) I was cleaning it once and it went off! But I shouldn't tell you stories like that. That ain't even-

Lord, I apologize for talking about playing with myself there, and be with the starving pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.

Yeah, they's a lot of stuff there. I was in a bar one time. This girl picked me up and I said, 'Put me down!' You know? I was like, 'I gotta go to the bathroom. You wanna spot me?' (laughs) That's good there! That's right! But we go to her house, she says, 'Do whatever you want to me.' I was like, 'Dadgum,' you know? So I tie her up and gag her... (laughs) That's right. I took her stereo and hauled out of that place right there, I tell you. I ain't stupid. That's right. That's right.