Couldn’t Keep the Pizza Lit

Some girl was banging on my door the other day at four o'clock in the morning. I was like, 'What in the world?' You know? So I got up and let her out. Tell you what... I was madder than Janet Reno's blind date.

I met this guy a while back, looked like Shania Twain... only a little shorter, and, uh, face was different. I was drunk, it looked like Shania Twain. Next morning, Mark Twain is laying there next to me there, he- (laughs) She was ugly, now. I'd take her to Glamour Shots and get her an estimate. You know? She was- Yeah, she was ugly right there. She had marks on her from where people had been touching her with the ten-foot poles!

I don't like Miami too much though, there's a lot of drugs and stuff. I was down there. In broad daylight, car drive by, says, 'You want some cocaine?' I'm like, "No, officer."

I don't do drugs. I don't know what I'm doing. I tried smoking mushrooms once, couldn't keep the pizza lit, you know? So I quit doing that. I tell you, I was madder than a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy lake. I tell you what... tell you what.

Is it a ménage à trois if you make love to your girlfriend and the dog licks your hind-end? Would that be a ménage à trois, or...? (laughs) Now, that-

Lord, I apologize, for... talking about the dog licking my crack there, and... be with the starving pygmies down there in New Guinea. Amen.

I'm trying to teach my dog safe sex but he keeps licking off the rubbers. (laughs) That's funny! I don't care who you are, that's funny right there! If you don't think that's funny, you get out of here right now, 'cause... that's a good program right there. Preacher told me that joke. (laughs) That's right.

Git-R-Done!